HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2006!!!! [Where is Baby New Year when you need him? It would make the blog so much better.]

Old world style (life)

I had an epiphany about last night. I was, and continue to be, surrounded by old world style men in my current life. I listened to a man tell tales about the Soviet army (a father of a friend) to a younger man who once said, "I understand the pregnant part...but, why barefoot?" (a friend who is an English language learner and doesn't understand some idioms). They are both wonderful. I have been a recipient of kindness from both of them. I actively solicit my friend's interaction in my life. But, I think it's messing me up. I think that I may be buying into some crazy gender roles a little too much.

Where is the me of years ago? Have I let go of the Ani DiFranco listening, argumentative, do something for the sake of doing it me? Have I become the first grade teacher archetype?

I know that it's not that easy. My days of feminist chapstick are gone. But, there are ideals that I hold central to my self. Part of me feels as if I have let some things slip too far away. I need to be the punk-rock teacher...well, really I just need to not care too much of what other want/expect and do what I think is right. That's the liberation of it all....

I'm off to WV (it's really the western part of VA--my mistake) for new years. DC folks are getting together and I will be happy, in the happy johnny sense of it all.

much love.

Transit strike info and putty (life)

I was going to regale you with stories of the flushed candy cane...but, instead, I've decided to share some very good reading.

Number One: The most honest view of the transit strike I know of (to date)

Number Two: A photo of the most silly putty I've ever seen in one place (also, to date).

I do believe that I'm in a mood. I think it has something to do with hearing Russian all night.

I'm home (life)

I've finally made my way back to my apartment. It is quieter (and a little more messy) than I remembered. I am going to a friend's for dinner tonight. But, I have a few hours to collect myself before I have to run out of the door again.

Really, I just want to knit some scarves and make thank you cards with all of my new stuff. But, I'll go and it will be fun. Besides, I didn't return my netflix and am currently rewatching Murderball. The evening at home would probably get boring pretty quickly.

If nothing good happens tonight, I’ll tell you about the candy cane in the toilet in tomorrow’s blog…it’s a definite crowd pleaser.

merry christmas

merry christmas to all i love. i wish you all peace and joy.

Mac and Cheese or the night that never ended (teaching)

The transit strike has had some strange impacts on my life. I have invited strangers to stay in my home and borrow my car. I have been asked if I'm dating a male coworker because he drove me to and from work. I have taught for approximately 5 hours in 3 days and slept to 7 for the first time in a long time.

Today, I walked to school. It was not bad. It took exactly 40 minutes. I was asked if I wanted a ride by 3 cars...they all needed one more person to get to the 4 person minimum for crossing bridges. [I really had it easy. Some people had such crazy walks. Others have been separated from families for days. But, now everything is back to normal.] After school, my roommate picked me up and we went shopping. It was probably not the smartest thing for me to involve anyone else in my shopping; it is a high stress experience and no one really needs to be exposed to that on their free time.

While at the stores, I remembered that I needed to make food for my students' party tomorrow. I could not figure out what it was that 6 year olds eat. So, I have attempted to make my mom's macaroni and cheese. It's not Kraft. I'm not sure if I put in enough cheese/milk/flour/butter for the 2 lbs. of noodles. I don't think anyone will eat it at the party. But, it's made and waiting to be placed in my car and brought to school for the normal school opening time.

Tonight, it was as if events were getting in the way of me actually stopping the day. I'm going to have to wake up very soon. My dreams may be about macaroni...which will be much better than the Greek infused dreams of late.

Asian Bird Flu (teaching)

Today, I drove to work because of the transit strike. It was no big deal for me (I am pretty sure that I am of the few who can say this statement). I was going to walk the 2 miles. But, because it was 20 degrees and I was running unbelievably late, I decided to drive. So, I drove. I ended up walking to the entrance of my school from a different street than normal. It was at that point where I saw one of the men from my building, standing behind a locked gate, holding a chicken. It was early. I had not had much coffee. I said, "Nice chicken" and kept walking. When I was just about to turn to the other block, I realized what I had seen and turned back to reconfirm that I had, in fact, just seen a man with a chicken in the middle of the NYC.

If I had not turned around, I would not be in my current predicament. He was trying to hop the fence with the chicken in his hand. Of course he could not do it. So, without much though, I turned around asked if he needed help and then TOOK THE CHICKEN. He was up and over the fence in practically no time and I was on my way. When I came into the school, I was going to launch into my funny chicken story when I realized everyone was agitated. They told me about the chicken I already knew about as soon as I stepped in the door. Then, they proceeded to tell me that the guy was going to be in trouble [we work in an elementary school so we talk like elementary students], that animal control said don't touch it, and then I kind of freaked out. I felt like I was going to get some nasty chicken disease. My logical self says that there is nothing to fear--the chicken looked fine.

When I told my roommate that the chicken looked fine, she asked if it had any symptoms. I said it had body aches. She asked if it had a stuffy beak.

gifts (life)

I have just spent one hour trying to look for Christmas gifts on Amazon.com. I am of the generation that should be able to do everything from my computer. I pay my bills, talk to my friends, and stay current on the events of the world with the help of my keyboard. I can't remember the last time I talked to an actual person to buy airline tickets. But, I cannot bring myself to do my gift shopping online. I don't know what it is that stops me. Theoretically, it fits my busy life style and my difficult life style. Maybe it is because it is too impersonal. Maybe it is because I have not found the perfect shopping site. Now, I have a few days to actually find my sister's/mother's/father's/brother's/grandmothers'/friends' gifts...without being aided by technology.

one more thing...(teaching)

The official blog of Google said that "Hugging for 20 seconds has been shown to reduce blood pressure." On Friday, I know that I hugged each of my first graders once after lunch (they were well behaved and I was very proud of them) and received a mountain of random hugs from some of the little guys who are the inspiration for a daily hug limit. Perhaps my need for 15 hours of sleep one night a weekend is not due to exhaustion. Rather, it's because I've had so many hugs that my blood pressure is almost nonexistent.

can you play hockey? (life)

This morning, I woke up and watched a hockey movie. By 9:00 a.m., I was caught up in the whatever it is of victory and the agony of defeat. I have an unexpected reaction to sports related movies. When I have the chance to watch the movie where everyone plays hockey in Alaska, the one about the Jamaican bobsled team, or Wildcats (my favorite), I take it and then I remember that I love sports.

Because I do not like to watch games on TV and do not follow sports, I sometimes forget that I actually love a lot about sports. I have vivid memories of going to see the Islanders play when I was little, the Mets play with friends who are major fans, and a local Australian Rules Rugby team play when I lived in New Zealand. I cannot separate the game from all of the symbolic stuff--the dedication, the focus, the athleticism. In fact, I often think about the symbolic stuff when the game part gets boring.

Just like my interest in running and football peaked after I saw Wildcats, my dedication to swimming came out of no where for 2 weeks after some Summer Olympics, my new found interest in hockey may leave me at some point. But, for now, I'm very interested in trying to figure out if I could get a puck down the ice...well, first I'd try to skate without a hockey stick, to see if I hurt myself, then I'd try again with the extra equipment.

I am now 5/8 of a Master

As of 7 p.m. tonight, I completed my last class for the semester. To celebrate, I wore a tie with my tanktop/sweater combination, stole Wilma Rudolph’s basketball, and felt a huge sense of relief to come home and know that I do not have to write another paper for more than a month. The winter break is an amazing time for me...I will get to focus on teaching and myself for many days in a row. I will eat food that is not dispensed from a coil in a vending machine, I will see the inside of my gym, and I will not have to write a paper about why everything I learned in my Applied Behavior Analysis/Science Teaching Methods/Social Studies Teaching Methods class will completely revolutionize my approach to teaching (which is usually a bit of a stretch). I am happy.

Don't get me wrong, I love school. I enjoy learning. I am usually inspired by the conversation with the other students. Listening to someone talk about what they are passionate about is one of my favorite things. But, I'm a little tired. By January, I am sure I'll enjoy it all again.

But, for now, I am going to read the 6th Harry Potter book and not feel guilt.

[Random aside: As I was driving to school, I drove under a plane that was landing--the road goes right under the flyway for the approach to a big airport. I love when I drive under planes that are landing.]

conversation highlights (life)

two highlights from conversation with my roommate tonight:

• after telling her that it is funny that she doesn't associate with her full name and suggesting that she be called Spike, I was astounded by the way she took to the new name. She worked it into several conversations and I had to call her Spike when we said goodnight.
• "...to keep your pointy toes off of me."

Digest-like entry (life/teaching/school)

You know how some of your favorite sites offer a great digest format of their information. You can get the highlights when you have a time crunch and can't really look at everything. Well, for the past few days, things have been a little crazy and I am going to give an update on my life, in the convenient digest format.

How long does it take to drive from NYC to DC? 21 hours (apx.)
I left my school around 3:30 Friday afternoon, was stuck with millions of others on this horrid parkway that runs between Brooklyn and Queens for 2 hours, and almost fell asleep on the NJ Turnpike. After, I took one of my famous 30 min. rest-stop rests, I decided that I could not drive any more. So, I found a conveniently located hotel and slept from 7:30 p.m. to 8:30 the next morning. I rolled into my friend's house (in VA) around 1 on Saturday afternoon.

What does nostalgia do to a person? lots
I had a great weekend with all of my DC friends. I got to know a new dog. I saw a new home. I forgot my friendliness could be misinterpreted by those who do not know me. And, I had some good drink made of that Pom juice. Lots of antioxidants. I drove through my old neighborhood and realized how much had changed. Everyone lives in a new place. The old neighborhood is barely recognizable. And, I am in a very different place in my life. But, I appreciated the time I got to spend with folks who know me well (even if I've changed). I miss them all and loved how I got to laugh at salsa jokes, discuss all of lifes big issues, and relax in that way you can around people who know who you are at your core all weekend.

Who has the right of way on a city street--a horse or a car? I still don't know
I was cut off by a horse, in front of Central Park, on my way home. I don't know if I was wrong or if the horse was not following the rules of the road. I had just been enjoying my return to the city, realizing that I do think of here as my city, and thinking about all of the things I want to do over the next few weeks that can only happen here...then, the horse cut me off. I wasn't sure if my typical driving expletives should be used in this situation or if it was different because it was a horse.

How long can a person survive class and teaching? 12 weeks (exactly)
My semester is almost over and I could not be happier. I still have 3 semesters to finish off my grad program. But, I need winter break. On my drive back, I decided that I cannot do this anymore and am going to quit teaching and going to school so I can see my friends more. (After 12 weeks of school and mild case of exhaustion, it is such a tempting idea.) I may change my mind once next semester starts. But, I cannot be sure right now. If there is anyone who would like to support me, as I drive around, please let me know.

(FYI--all of this was typed while I was wearing Thai pants and a winter hat)

snow 2 (life/teaching/school)

In all three major areas of my life (me as a teacher, me as a student, and me as me), I feel that crankiness is the major tone. People around me are cranky about their classes, their students, and their papers. I am cranky about my classes, my students, and my papers. Typically, I feel my crankiness has subtle differences from their crankiness. But, today, I realized that is just not true. Sure, I am tired because I have survived 12 weeks of university (with approximately 89 mini-assignments) in combination with 51 days of teaching 5, 6, and 7 year-olds. And, yes, I do have more than one student who thinks that our classroom is a personal obstacle course and a few others that are still acquiring some basic interpersonal skills (i.e. not shaking others, not spitting on others, how to say nice things instead of curses, and how to respect the bathroom we all share by not peeing on the toilet paper). But, really, it could be a lot worse.

I was just IMing a friend and blamed the general malaise of all around me on the change in pressure and/or the negative ions in the air. Really, I think that we, as a collective, might just need to get over ourselves. Since I am not really in charge of anyone else, I'm going to have to just do it myself. I need to stop being overwhelmed and realize that I have it pretty good. I may be sleep-deprived and have had a dramatic reduction on my free time since August. But, the end is near. I'm on my way down to Washington, DC to see a ton of old friends this weekend. I don't know the actual directions to the new house I will be staying at tomorrow. But, I will get there at some point tomorrow night and things will be good. That's just the way things are sometimes.

India (life)

I have a friend living in New Mexico. She and I have a history that holds some of my favorite memories. We have traveled by train across Canada, by camper/cafe through Alaska, and by Honda through Maine. When she lived in Seattle, I took every chance I could get to crash at her house and try to see if that city fit me.

When we are together, we: laugh until our sides hurt, have conversations with strangers, drink lots of hot drinks, and, somehow become a little bit closer than we already were. She and I have been planning on taking a big trip to celebrate our 30th year for quite some time. I believe that the plan came from a conversation about women reaching their physical peak at 30. We are now in the planning mode. We had been talking about going to Guatemala this summer. She has been to 40+ countries and somehow missed Central America (I think). I have been to a few less countries and am game for anything. But, then we realized that it is the rainy season in most of Central American in the summer. So, tonight, after talking with another friend who is going to be studying abroad for a year, I wondered if going to Sri Lanka might be a good option.

As fate would have it, my dear eggplant ( a.k.a. best travel partner) called tonight and wanted to check to make sure that this trip was going to really happen. I told her about Sri Lanka and she mentioned India. Then, she mentioned Laos, Thailand, and a few other Asian countries. I said yes to all of them. The one thing I asked her to do was to have real sit down conversations with me to help me prepared to be a good traveler. I have had some bad habits in the past (the most dangerous was when I told a man who believed the US government has a weather machine which lonesome trail we were camping on that night) and want to make sure that I do not have them anymore.

So, maybe I'll go to India this summer. Or Sri Lanka. Or Laos. I think I could get excited about any of these places.

hard day in the classroom (teaching)

This afternoon, someone made fun of the fact that I am in bed by 9:00 each night. He said that I am missing life because I am in bed so early. I told him that he needs to come into my classroom for the day and see if he is standing after 8:30. But, I think that we both might be right. I have taken a job that does not allow me much space for a personal life. Ms. Frizzle, a fellow teacher blogger, talked about the injustice of teachers shouldering a heft portion of society's responsibility to children in a recent post. It made me think about the responsibility I feel to my students and its tangential relationship to my level of exhaustion.

In the hours after lunch, I was overwhelmed by the life my students have. They are six and they are so tough. Well, most of them are tough. I have had spitters, kids who shake others, cursers, and a child who thought that my response to an eraser theft was because of the color of her skin. How do children start this so early? I don't want to become someone who is not treating children with gentleness and the respect they should be showing one another. However, I need to get things in check in my classroom. There is something going on in my classroom. I'm trying not to hold myself responsible for everything. My coteacher has taught for 19 years and she said they are a needy bunch. But, I am falling into the trap of thinking I am not doing enough, not prepared enough, not understanding enough, something...I think that blambing myself rather than something much larger than me is an easier. I can be fixed. I can learn new things. I can stay longer. The problems of living in the projects, being cared for by babysitters until 9 at night, and growing up in an illiterate home are much more difficult to fix.

Now, it's off to a paper for my class on applied behavior analysis. What a day.

I have been awake for too many hours (school)

Today, I had to wake up at 6:00 a.m. to write a midterm that was due at 9:45 this morning. I procrastinate because my life is a little busy. And, I'm well versed in the art of procrastination. I had to go to a beautiful museum to hand in my paper. By 10, I was sitting and discussing three pieces of art, walking around with fellow teachers who were as tired as I was, and kind of felt a little numb by the end. The class is worth 1.5 credits. Although I do not like to quantify educational experiences, I am not sure if the trade off between my much needed sleep and what I learned at the museum and at the play were a fair trade. This class is making me function beyond the hours I normally enjoy consciousness.

To recover, I must go watch the final disk of Sports Night. I love that show.

snow (life)

It's snowing a little bit. An hour ago, I was walking with friends and I saw snow in the air, flying under the streetlights. I love the snow. I am so happy winter is here.

And, I got to spend time with a good friend. I think we have an intuitive friendship. She just knows. Explanations bring understanding rather than a feeling of frustration. What a lucky person I am.

Do I smell funny? (teaching)

Having 23 small children as a part of each weekday brings some interesting experience to my life. Once, a paper cut got really infected in, like, 12 minutes; a tiny slice became a bit of a science experiment because of the creepy crawlies that make their home on my hands (I'm better about washing my hands now). I see a spectacular range of emotions (pure joy to complete despair) hourly. Paperclips have become choking hazards in my mind. And, most unexpectedly, I have become strangely aware of my appearance. Now, you might be thinking, "Has she suddenly become vain? They are just little kids." But, these little kids are so aware of me that it is a little unnerving.

Yesterday, I wore a new pair of boots. [I am a fan of boots. In my world, skirts are to be worn with very high heals or tall boots. Teach for a day in 3 inch heals and you will know pain. I only forget about the pain once every 2-3 months and can wear a skirt on those days. So, when I got these new (flat) boots, I was excited.] One of my more astute little guys told me he liked my boots. Other than my roommate, the boots went unnoticed by people above 4 foot tall. Several of my other little guys are a little preoccupied with my hair and there is one girl in the school has long conversations with me about the color of my eyes. All of these things kind of make sense though. The kids spend a lot of time around my feet. They are on the rug, I am on a chair. That is boot level. My hair could be seen as a novelty if your mother wears a head scarf. And, if you have brown eyes, my blue eyes are a little different.

Today, however, I became a little unnerved by a comments of one of my students. He asked me if I was wearing perfume after I helped him with his writing. A six-year-old is around me enough to know when I smell different. I did not realize that my own smell was so distinctive that small children would know the days I put on lotion. It's craziness.

Tradition. Tradition. Tradition. (teaching/school/life)

Tonight, I had to go see Fiddler on the Roof. Normally, when people say they had to go do something, they are stretching the truth. In fact, I have been known to do that from time to time. However, tonight, I am taking no liberties. I had to go see a play for a class called Teaching Science and Social Studies Methods (or something like that). It was good. But, I am tired. Like all of the other teachers there, I was ready for bed 45 minutes before the end of the first act. What has my life become when a nine o'clock bedtime is the norm among the people I know?

The play was fine. Harvey Fierstein and his character reminded me of my father. I don't know if it is the fact that the character had lots of daughters or if it was the wide range of voices he used. But, I found myself comparing him (them) to pops. What is it about fathers and daughters? We are bound by something fierce.

In addition to my own familial traditions, this play made me think of a friend who says she can do the bottle dance without Velcro. Amazing, you say...and, I agree. I cannot walk in a straight line on a typical day. She danced some Russian dance with glass in her immediate vicinity. For me, that would just be asking for stitches.

Now, I have to get ready for a day of teaching having had no sleep. I fear for my self. Six-year-olds may eat me alive in the morning. If I don't blog at some point this weekend, just figure they got the best of me.

gramps (life)

Tonight, I went to have tea with my Gram. We watched the pre-game for the Lighting of the Tree (bad banter between the weatherman and a sitcom star was overshadowed by the high-kicks of the Rockettes) and just relaxed.

It would have been my Grandpa's birthday today. I had some moments good moments with my memories of him today. He made a noise I cannot recreate for all of the babies and they uniformly loved that noise. He liked to have everyone around him, even if he did not want them to really mess with his systems. He pulled splinters out of my foot/hand/etc with a needle and completely steady hand when I was a little girl and prone to splinters. He smiled big in pictures.

It was good to be able to just sit and be with my Gram, doing something Grandpa would have been doing a few years ago. When I lived far from home, it was not so easy to be a part of days like today. I'm glad I was there tonight.

my blog sucks (in some ways) (?)

I just saw amazing personal websites and was jealous. My blog doesn't do any of the fancy tricks of his blog. He walks and plays loud music (be forewarned). You click on a picture of a guy and things happen. It's as if he is really speaking to you. I'm not sure what he is saying, as I have not really read his words because I'm easily distracted by his visuals. But, you really want to take a little look: here it is

I, on the other hand, have words. The level of envy I have is a little unreal. Specifically, in light of the fact that I am not the most technologically savvy person in the world. But, a strange love of technology is growing inside of me. I talk about external hard drives. I talk about how little some things have become. I talk about all I could do with a SmartBoard in my classroom. I try to understand all that I read in Wired.

I had little waves of desire for my blog to have little pictures of me instead of a menu, use some funky flash animation, and not have a font change be the big visual thing. Right now, I should probably work on my motivation to figure out why the sound doesn't work on my computer since I put it all back together in my new apartment. Maybe someday....

the dog that looked like an ewok, my students and my hair, and a good day (life, teaching)

Today, some amazing things happened. For you, I will present them in a lovely list format.

• Amazing Thing #1--a dog, who looks just like a little ewok, barked in a way that I thought he was saying, "Hey!" He did it twice on my walk home from school. [I just tried to make him do it again, on my walk home from this evening's festivities. But, alas, it was to no avail.]
• Amazing Thing #2--my students drew pictures of me that were very cute. I did notice a theme of huge hair in all of them. I don't think they would recognize me without what they view as my 50's style bouffant.
• Amazing Thing #3--I have been lied to by masters today. The first involved me leaving the house at 6:25 so my very tricky roommate could plant presents all over the place. The second involved me being told to bring my lesson plan book to my Assistant Principal, which made me fear for my life. And, the third involved trickiness at a Thai restaurant. All executed flawlessly.
• Amazing Thing #4--without planning, I had a really nice dinner with very good people at a very nice Thai restaurant (previously mentioned). The restaurant gave me opportunity to eat Thai basil, examine the drainage system on a poured concrete sink, and eat one perfect blackberry. It was so nice. And, it was the first time that I had unexpected plans with people that I don't live with in a very long time. I love that.
• Amazing Thing #5--I'm still happy about this whole 29 thing. I think this could be my year.

life as i know it 28 (take 2)

I have 3 hours left to enjoy my 28th year. For the past few hours, I have been moved by multiple episodes of Sports Night and Sex in the City. I got to show off my special blanket move (the burrito) and laughed so much.

Since it is my last day as 28, I feel as if I should say something. Uhm, hum. [That is me clearing my throat to prepare.] It's been good. And, now it's time to turn the page. I think that 29 could be my year to go a little bit wild, in a good way. I will be full of courage. I will do just what I want to do (except for the days when I need to write a paper and then I'll just do what I have to do). I will travel to a foreign land. I will try to be better. I will find something new to love. I will find many opportunities to laugh too hard. I will love the people who are important to me as much as I can. I will be okay with ambiguity. I will let myself want what I want. I will enjoy my time with people. And, I hope, unexpected things will come my way.

I am happy. My life is good.

It all worked out (life)

Visitors came and food was eaten. I have discovered a new way to incorporate onions into my life. Dishes will be done in the morning. I had forgotten how nice it is to invite people to your home, prepare an evening, and enjoy their conversation. I'm going to have to do this again.

Company anxiety (life)

It's been a while since I've had company. In the last place, I could not comfortably fit more than one extra person. And, then I always feel silly because my living situation projected an air of an obstacle course (hop the bed, run around the roommate, through the little door and you're in the bathroom) rather than the living quarters of someone who should be settled in her life. Tonight, people are coming for dinner. A random group has been invited and I'm currently testing out the music selection as I unpack the last of the boxes. I should be basking in the warm glow of good plans. But, instead I'm anxious. I don't feel like I am one of those people who is good at making everyone feel relaxed and comfortable. I worry. I worry that the food is not good. I worry that there is not enough to eat. I worry that people will not talk to one another. And, I worry that I still live in a funny way and it will make people feel uncomfortable. But, it's just last minute anxiety. Once wine is poured, people show up, and food is out, things have a way of working themselves out.

Happy Thanksgiving! (life)

Happy Thanksgiving! I'm off to my parents' house to make a few pounds of stuffed mushrooms to bring to Gram's. I'm going to bring my camera to document the pie goodness. And, I send good wishes to all of my friends. I'm so thankful for you all.
Much love,
me.

public transportation 2 (life)

Maybe the gods of the bus read the last blog. Maybe I am too dramatic for my own good. Maybe I was looking friendly. Or, maybe it's the whole holiday spirit....

I had the best bus ride of my life this morning. At 6:55, I walked up to the area the bus comes (a stop without one of those nice wind protector shelters), and an older woman struck up a conversation about how cold it was. She was chatty and it was so cold. So, we talked. It turned out that she had been diagnosed with skin cancer and was going to get her doctor in the city. She has lived in my neighborhood for 50 years and is in retirement. We talked about the way the neighborhood has changed. I learned that the mayor used to hold a May Day event in Central Park and give all of the kids free ice cream. The same mayor used to read the comics over the radio to kids each Sunday. She told me about her granddaughters and how proud she is of them. When I arrived at my school's block, I wished her good health and went on my way. I don't think I'll ever run into her again (she's not normally out so early) and I don't know her name. But, it was such a nice way to begin the morning. My faith in the MTA has been (somewhat) restored.

public transportation (life)

After school, I took the bus from elementary school to my university. I've done this once before and was amazed at the ease and convenience of public transportation. On that trip, I waxed poetic about the fact that two busses took me from the Middle Eastern neighborhood of my school, through a Peruvian district, around the place with the worlds best empanadas, to a place that kind of reminds me of Hong Kong. And, I was able to knit the whole time.

Today, it was a bit of a different kind of ride. A lengthy conversation about coats, pockets on coats, and brands of coats made me think an investment in an iPod would be an investment in mental health. I think my bus was actually turned off for some time while a tractor trailer was towed from its resting spot across 6 lanes of traffic. And, a man gave me an up-close-and-personal view of some self-love I don't typically associate with a public event. [Side note: How does one really deal with that type of situation? I was made fun of for being polite to strangers yesterday by a local boy. Polite did not really provide me with any resources today.]

Where are my idealistic views of public transportation today? Maybe I'd be more happy with the trappings of my urban lifestyle if it did not involve being sat on by a very nice lady?

out of practice (life)

I'm out of blog practice. I feel as if I have nothing to say. Maybe my day was too pedestrian to be blog fodder. But, I used to be able to blog about the little things. Honestly, those things are my favorite things. In an effort to get back in the show, I am going to do something I try not to do all that often.

For a moment, I am going to allow some un-Buddhist-like thinking of the future. I am very excited for the next few weeks. Holidays are upon us. I will be making a truck load of stuffed mushrooms for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I have some wonderful plans for these Christmas cards I got from the store last weekend. And, I want to try to make a line of tee-shirts for a friend using all my best tricks. This all makes me happy.

In addition to these little in-house plans, I'm also gearing up for a trip to DC for an annual yank and spank. It's time to redeem myself from my last embarrassing showing. And, I am looking forward to spying on the life of my friends who are all so much more settled than I have ever been.

Dear Blog, (life)

Dear Blog,
I know that I have been gone for a long time. Please don't think that I don't really care. Because, I do care. Things just got so hectic with the move, report cards, and midterms. I know that's just an excuse. You are probably thinking, if I cared, I would have made time. But, I'm going to try to make it up to you. I'll tell you about seeing a delivery guy on a bike deliver food to a car, about being called Grandma by one of my students, about the pumpkin pie I still owe to someone who helped me move and the crazy amount of guilt I feel about a pie, my growing anticipation for Thanksgiving, and the crazy email I get from strangers on Friendster. I hope it doesn't fall on deaf ears.
I missed you blog.

Much love,
me.

halloween, again (life)

Last night, after moving for 12 hours, I went out in the city. I got to play a very fun game called Halloween or not-Halloween. Basically, you had to guess if the outfits worn by others were costumes or just what they wore to go out. The giant merman in Saranwrap was easy [Halloween]. The man in leather and the girl in some 80s get-up still have me confused.

Now, I must finish taking apart my computer, call a friend for his birthday, and get used to the fact that my roommate and I will now be able to be more than 15 feet from one another in the new place.

Happy extra hour.

halloween costume (life)

While walking around in my AmeriCorps packing hat, I came across my button for with propaganda for a fair contract for teachers, remembered my bomb-to-dove button I packed a little bit ago, and realized that I have an idea for a Halloween costume. I could be a bleeding-heart liberal. I already have all of the trappings. I could unpack my Birkenstocks, some Ithaca t-shirt, and be set to go.

last days in my apartment (life)

I am a sentimental person. I remember keeping one pair of smelly, old sneakers for a very long time because I had walked through New Zealand, Ithaca and Canada in them. If I find photos, I will stop everything and tell stories to whom ever is around me. I think of conversations I have had and get caught up in the details of what was happening and how I was feeling. Moving is always an exercise in sentimentality.

I am alone in my apartment right now, thinking about all of the things I have done here, all of the memories I created while this was my home. I think of the people who have drifted back into my life while this was my home; some were distant acquaintances and others were close friends who had been inaccessible for many reasons. I think of those who have drifted from my life because of geography, death and other reasons.

And, I think about what my 28 year held for me. I moved in a few weeks before my birthday and will be leaving with only a few weeks left to this year of life. It has been a good year in so many ways. I learned that I want to become a good teacher, have become more comfortable with who I am, and feel very close to so many people. I think, this year has also held some of my hardest times. It feels so strange to leave those things behind.

But, now, I will have another place to create memories and a whole new year. I could never have predicted all of the things that this last year held for me. In one year from today, I am sure that I will feel the same about all that is to come. That brings comfort.

time delay of 24 hours due to something funny w/ the computer (life)

originally called OATMEAL CAN KILL YOU (life)

Today, I returned home to the smell of gas filling my apartment. I went to the stove and jiggled the handles, accidentally creating a somewhat larger than normal puff of fire when I moved the broken knob for the back burner. I opened up all of the windows and (not realizing I was taking my life into my own hands for the second time in a few moments) turned on my roommates fan to exhaust. After making a few phone calls, I realized that I needed to go evacuate my landlady, her baby granddaughter, and 4 big dogs just in case.

Turns out, I probably hit the broken knob for the back burner this morning while I was making my oatmeal. The nice man from the gas company said that the whole oven/stove is weird and I should not, I repeat NOT touch the knob for the oven.

The whole episode taught me to never, ever, turn on anything electrical when you smell gas. Don't switch lights on, don't turn on exhaust fans, etc. It reminded me of my other run in with deadly gas (carbon monoxide in a basement apartment in DC) and the lessons I learned from that one; a headache can be caused by stress or carbon monoxide and, yes, carbon monoxide can kill you.

Beside learning some basic safety rules, I also got to play with the baby granddaughter for a little bit while waiting for the gas man. I am a big fan of the babies. I think something maternal kicked in while we waited outside the house.

stuck inside (life)

Today, I spent about 15 minutes outside of my apartment. I watched a movie (Iron Jawed Angels--very good), went through papers, transferred my address book, read a little more of The Namesake, and not a whole lot else. I should be packing. I should be reading something about Applied Behavioral Analysis for my midterm. But, I'm not.

For the rest of the night, I will try to avoid the loud noise that seems to be coming from the power plant down the block. And, maybe, just maybe, I'll put some clothes in a bag.

the deer population of major urban environments (teaching)

The deer population of my college campus increased by 13 as all of my fellow students and I ran around the hall pretending to be deer and/or the things deer need to survive. We were experiencing a lesson that tracked changes in population over generations by running back and forth seeking or being food, shelter and water.

And, we were doing this as other classes were letting out. A man walked through all of us saying, "I'm walking through a game," over and over on his cell phone. Many people had looks of confusion. But, I ran up and down the hall (with everyone else) and got the food or shelter I wanted. Now, I can teach an environmental science curriculum. And, as a fan of the cheese, I got to pretend to be a deer. Really, that's enough in my book.

me, as a shoe (life-ish)

This morning, as I was getting ready to leave for school, I looked down at my feet and felt that my shoes/socks/pants combo actually captured the person I think I am. I am not sure if this is something I should admit on a public forum. But, it did. So, I took a picture (also something I'm not sure if I should admit publicly). Here it is…me, as a shoe.

Some of the other things that made me smile today were:

• Being given the hand of a paper clock by a student in an attempt to make me feel better.
• Having an old student cover her eyes because my shirt slipped up beyond my pant waist for a second; she told me she was going to wait for me to fix my shirt.
• Signing a new lease and realizing that I accidentally left my ‘hood.
• Signing a new lease!
• And, passing the restaurant with a big eye above the door, on the walk home from signing a new lease, and realizing I will be living a lot closer to there in a few days. Anyone up for Eqyptian food?
  

2-4-6-8, first grade is really great (teaching)

I recently received an actual apple from a student. She, very sweetly, gave me something wrapped in tinfoil in the morning and it took a moment for me to realize that she was giving me an apple. I remember how much I loved my teachers when I was little and sometimes cannot believe that I occupy that role for my students.

Each day is filled with 25 loving little 5-6-7 year olds. They do all of these things that make me laugh: balance books on their heads, clap when I say it's time for writing, tell me that I am the best teacher in the world...and so is my coteacher and the para, break down into laughter when I am giving them a test and it uses the name of a student in the class, and will lean in for a hug if I am standing within a foot radius.

My attitude impacts them in so many ways. When I am calm, they are calm. When I am happy, they are happy. This year, I feel like I am coming closer to more consistently creating a positive place for them to learn. I am glad that I am right here.

By the way, the 2, 4, 6, 8 is a minute math lesson I did this week--chants help us learn to count by twos. I have pomes about pennies and a little dance for counting by tens. Well, it’s not really a dance, it’s more of a slight movement repeated over and over.

things move fast (life)

By noon today, a new apartment had been found and the deposit was placed. The new apartment is one mile away, has lots of open space, windows on three sides, and felt like home. I will be walking a little further to public transportation...but, I am looking forward to having people come over and be able to be comfortable, relaxed.

There is a part of me that is feeling a little stunned. It makes sense to me to take trains over long distances and mentally prepare yourself for a new place. It makes sense to me to take a long drive with a friend I have not seen in a long time so we can really catch up. It makes sense to me to begin cooking meals hours in advance. Realizing it is time to move, looking for apartments, and finding something in less that 48 hours is a little overwhelming. But, this is the speed my community moves. My emotions will catch up to my reality and I'll be fine soon. Besides, I have to get busy packing and do not have time to think about this anymore.

who has boxes? or 8 apartments/3 states/7 years (life)

Today, through bizarre conversation with my landlady's daughter, it has become apparent that I will be moving in what can be measured in days. I have know that this was coming and have looked forward to moving away from the kennel downstairs. But, until tonight, all thoughts and conversation have been in the abstract (i.e. won't it be nice to have more space, we should look for something near here, and have you looked at this apartment with a turret on Craigslist?). Now, it is real and I have that excited/anxious feeling I get when I need to move.

Within 15 minutes of the conversation with the landlady's daughter, we had 4 appointments set up to look at stuff and posted something on our local web-based forum. I am planning the packing outfit that I need to create (the best one from all the moves of my past was an apron with a pocket, a fleece vest to ward of the cold of the basement apartment I was living in at the time, packing tape worn around my upper arm, and a cowboy hat).

If you need any old junk, wish to help me pack a box, or know of a really great apartment, please let me know. Don't worry, the blog will follow me.

one more thing...(life)

Recently I have discussed missing friends living far and wide and the emotional unrest I am experiencing. Then, I became so overwhelmed by a conversation with my coteacher that seemed to usurp all of my efforts to coteach.

But, I forgot one thing in all of this self-pity. I get to take walks when completely frustrated and talk about teaching at length with someone who understands what I am going through in a very unique way. I don’t know what I would do without these walks. If things continue the way they have been, I think I may need to walk to a new borough.

there is one that will never be seen-but, this one is melodramatic, too...(life)

Do you ever feel like you are pushing through something? On a pivot point, about to make changes? Today, that is how I feel. I am not sure what brought this on (I was just doing laundry when it struck). Now, I am in the midst of minor states of confusion about several topics. If you would like to spend time questioning the world, how we should live our lives, or the intent of others, please feel free to call. Otherwise, you might want to give me a day or two.

My poor friend...I'm visiting her and her babies tomorrow. I did not expect to be in one of those moods that make my eyebrows go down. Maybe time in the car will do me good.

I thought that my sliding scale was a 1-4 rubric (one = the worst, 4 = the best). Today, it's a 1-10, w/ 1 being almost never and 10 being a lot. Unrest is coming in at an eight.

weekend is here (life)

My first mini-week has ended and another one will begin after this long weekend. I am currently sitting in comfortable clothing (my only effort towards falling asleep) and a little bit board. I watched a movie with Samala and am now looking for entertainment. Unfortunately, my apartment is a bit devoid of entertainment that I want to take part in at the moment and it is rainy outside. So, I'm forced to sit here and wait to fall asleep. I could read, or knit, or clean. But, I'd rather blog (even as I sit here without a real focus).

There are these people in my life that I never get to see and the level of missing I feel for them is on a sliding scale. Right now, I would love to have a small gathering of DC friends, out west friends, and all points north friends over for a little dinner. Someone would bring wine. I'd have some vegetable based foods. We would sit and talk. It would be good and easy. Instead, I have to think about the events we now share with one another. Some get together for New Years and 4th of July. Some get together for winter gatherings. And, others are more individualized trips. Those times are good. And, it seems like the time in between is fast. Is this how life is...a series of events strung between normal life?

I think the tired is kicking in. Maybe I'll go start a letter to Amils. That always makes me so sleepy. She ends up getting multi-day letters stuffed in an envelope. It's more like a diary...a blog, if you will. But, with the great sound that pen and paper creates when combined.

Sleep well.

{p.s. the sliding scale can be applied to many levels in my life...level of confusion, obsession, dedication, and observation. I wonder if it will make an appearance again?}

{p.p.s. just so you know, confusion is a 2, obsession is a 2.4, dedication is a 3, and observation is a 1 at the current moment.}

my walk along the highway or why you should always bring a map (life)

I live in a place where people do not spend time out of doors. We walk from subway to building, sometimes eat in parks where there is wildlife like squirrels and rats, and call the suburbs the country. Here, I am the outdoorsy type. I have fleece. I camp. I can tell a bird from a cricket.

Those of you who know me know that I do love the outdoors. You also know the fact that I am more of a prep chef to a head chef when it comes to some of the big hiking stuff. I would not say I have the best sense of direction. I sometimes forget to pay attention to the markers. And, I am not always fully prepared. But, because I normally hike with people who have major outdoor cred (animal trackers, national park passes, major adventurers, etc), my own lack of ability is normally not a problem.

Today, I was in charge. My friend from school wanted to go for a hike and I wanted an excuse to get out of the city. When we found the trail head, we were disappointed that the information center closed on Labor Day. But, at the suggestion of a man that looked like the guy from Right Said Fred, we decided to do a 3 hour loop to a lake. The first part of the walk was great. We constantly chose the path without the people. We were surrounded by trees, the sound of birds, and a stream. We talked to an old man with all sorts of knowledge about the area and told me where I could buy a trail map. Who would have guessed this conversation would foreshadow things to come. We overshot the lake at the end of the trail, looping around and loosing all of the markers for our trail. We found our way out of the woods by following an access road that dumped us out onto the main road. Because I was also without a compass, I had to rely on the positioning of the sun, a guess from a passing cyclist I accosted, and the force to decide which way we had to walk along the highway. After a little more than an hour, we finally found our original trail head and my Honda.

I am now in possession of a map and a book to help make me an informed hiker. Maybe I will join the trail conference the old man talked about so I can start to have more ability to take care of business in the woods. It's time for me to up my own outdoors cred. Learning to find my way in and out of the only semi-local wooded area could do wonders for my ability to survive my time in this city.

the end to a long week (life, not the nicest side of it)

At 5-ish, when I finally left the school (last teacher there, by the way), I decided to walk home. I like to walk the two miles when I am not completely loving life. It helps me feel calm and I normally have some cheesy "I love the world" moment. It's been a long week and I really need to feel the love again. But, it was not to be. Around the corner from my school, I saw a man peeing while walking. I did not think that this was really possible. Well, I actually never thought about anyone doing that. He was just crossing the street, right in front of me. I wanted to yell at him. But, I was afraid he would interact with me (in any way) and I just kind of ran away.

I can think of four other times I have seen men pee on the street since this summer. I hate it. And, now, I never wear my shoes inside my apartment. Who knows what I have stepped in. By the way, if you visit, I don't require people to take off their shoes...but, it would be nice.

The day had more than one nasty (and unexpected) interaction with bodily fluids. As an elementary school teacher, my tolerance is high. But, today, pushed even me.

Must find something to be less cranky about soon. If I believed in auras, I would guess mine would be the same brown as my student's backpack, after she dropped it in "a puddle" this morning.

Ear plugs, coffee, and hikes

Today, I was on campus, on line to pay for an overpriced wrap, when I saw a man who kind of stood out. With a red zip up sweater over an NYU tee-shirt, I thought he looked like fall. His curly hair sealed the deal (in my world, you should have long hair in the cooler months to insulate). Because I was entering the exhausted phase of my day, I was probably staring at him as I thought about all of this fall stuff. In my prolonged gaze, I realized he was wearing earplugs. I had gone on an earplug hunt when my Dad played at the clam bar and had not expected to be revisited by them again. But, there they were, sticking out of some guy's ears, on line in the food court. These were not normal earplugs. They were multicolored earplugs. He was wearing fashion earplugs. Who knew they existed? I was tempted to ask him why he wore earplugs in public. But, then realized he probably would not hear me and let it go.

The other things that I have realized today are my current status and my current location make it much too hard for me to do two things I love. I need to buy a coffee maker and reestablish myself as an overly zealous coffee drinker. I love coffee, think about coffee, and feel good when I drink it. I have denied myself for too long. My coffee-maker-less status must come to an end. My location problem arises from the fact that I cannot hike easily. As the only person in my school (and most other parts of my life here) that talks about the outdoors, I have been voted the resident expert on hiking. But, I can't really do any of that here; typically, I leave the state to find the wilderness. Now, I am responsible for organizing a trip to somewhere for several colleagues and have no idea of where to bring them. It's much too hard to go outside here and feel like I may be wilting. I need to move to a beautiful place that lets me take good walks in the woods. Any suggestions?

good day teaching (teaching)

Today, things came together for me and my coteacher. I am the special education teacher in a collaborative team teaching classroom. My coteacher has taught for so many years and has completely integrated literacy concepts, classroom management approaches, and first grade scope and sequence into her thoughts that she kind of breaths teaching. She is so aware of everything that I am often amazed that I do not process so much of what I must be looking at when she redirects or corrects. For the past few weeks, I have felt like my instruction is detrimental for my students because that means it is time away from her. Today, I realized she and I are becoming a very good team.

A few moments of interactive writing and a seriously funny first grade joke made me realize all of this.

The children (or boys and girls, as I like to call them) were writing in their journals for the first time. Like the five-year-olds they are, this proved to be a very labor intensive process. Seeing them struggle and realizing that they did not have strategies to call upon created the need for a teachable moment. Although it should have happened before I sent them to write in their journals, I decided to write my own journal entry and model some things. I thought about the things I wanted to write, I sounded words out, I used my word wall to help me spell sight words, and remembered capitals and periods. I could not help myself and pushed two weeks of lessons into hardly any time at all. Then, MJ, my coteacher, took the pen and added to the entry. She highlighted the use of finger spaces. The kids loved it. And, they were so engaged in this lesson that was very far from well planned.

The very funny joke came after Spanish class. [You may have to be five to get it.] MJ picked them up as I tried to type something for the service providers on the computer next to the door. Standing at the door, she told them they would play a trick on me and sneak into the room. 26 children filed past my chair, into their seats, as quietly as they could. Basically, they snorted their way past me. MJ asked me where the class was and I was able to respond with appropriate confusion. When I turned around, the whole class broke into some of the best noise that I have heard in a long time.

I love it when my class can experience joy, like they did today. I love it when they put things together, like they did today. And, I think that MJ and I might complement one another better than I could have imagined, like we did today.

rainy collection of thoughts and progressive political stuff

Because it's one of those days, I feel like it is okay to loosely collect my thoughts. In this blog, paragraph = major thought shift. I will not be taking advantage of the transition sentence.

Roberts could be the Chief Justice on the Supreme Court for a very long time. He is young and he could hold such a unique place in history for the rest of his natural life (or until he retires). As I've read about him, I learn how he has been groomed for a seat on the bench since birth, he has an very unique legal history, and he answers every question the exact right way. I can't figure out if the tension I feel about the situation steams from the fact that the President nominated him and the President has a very bad history of trying to manipulate the Courts or if Roberts is too slippery to be allowed to impact the foreseeable future of our world in this very high profile manner. I really don't know if he is the best or the worst (or something in between) for the job. The NYT called the position of Chief Justice "a boss for an unusually independent group of prima donnas." Maybe no one is really right for the job?

It's raining here. When I lived in Arizona, I remember missing the rain and making a deal to never complain because it was cloudy for the rest of my life. Today's rain is fall rain. And, it's very wet. I forgot the need for all things water proof. Since the summer's humidity subsided, my hair had an 8 day respite and has not try to stand 1.5 feet off my head. Now, it's curling right back up. And, I kind of like it. But, I don't like the fact that my jeans feel like they are wallpapered to my thighs. I'm going to have to peal them off after I go gather my dry laundry (which finally received the attention it deserved).

At school today, I finally felt myself come into my teacher-self. I don't know exactly what happened. But, something shifted. I can give the look and it works (sometimes). And, I got to paint. We made apple star stamps. Did you know today is Johnny Appleseed's birthday? Please do something to celebrate--plant a tree, wear a pot on your head, etc. I do feel some guilt …my first graders did not get to fully experience math because we were having fun.

music (life)

For right now, I'm done with the education policy related blogs of the morning. There is lots to think about there. But, my mind can only wrestle with those thoughts for so long. Right now, I am much simpler.

All afternoon, I hung out at an outdoor oyster bar and listened to my Dad play loud music. The restaurant was on the channel and the weather was perfect. My sisters, mother, brother, 3 aunts, an Ellen, 2 grandmothers, 2 uncles, and other assorted relatives were there. My sisters and I joked (or joshed, as they say) all day. We all were able to enjoy one another's company and be outside. Both sides of my family are huge. Today was just a small slice of family. It's good to be around for things like today.

Growing up around music is a fundamental part of who I am. It's amazing to me that there are people who did not grow up listening to music or knowing people who create it. It's normal to me to listen for playing around a beat, love the sound of a double-kick bass, and secretly know that the toms are to be pulled out when you need to get showy. When I was very little, I used to fall asleep in front of my Dad's bass drum as he practiced. Somehow, there is still something so calming about being around that kind of noise....

The State of the Classroom (teaching)

This morning, I took some time to look at blogs of other teachers, read a little propaganda about NCLB, and scanned some articles about the general state of education. As a country, we are falling further and further behind with each passing year. High stakes testing is being referenced in so many headlines as real insight into the abilities of students. And, there is a first year teacher in New Mexico crying everyday. What is going on?

When I decided to teach, I knew that I was deciding to become a part of something insane. The education system, as a whole, is so misguided. Unfortunately, this reality has a major impact on the reality of my classroom. We conform to systems because we are told to conform. We attempt to teach 180 minutes of literacy curriculum in 45. We go against our instincts because we are told to. And, we must, above all, have wonderful bulletin boards (don't worry if the work is not reflective of the students' ability and makes them cry because they have to do it over so many times to get it perfect).

I told a new teacher that she needs to be Zen about everything. That she will see crazy things happen and she needs to just say okay. I need to take my own advice. I am not in a position to change so much of what I see is wrong. And, if I was in that position, I'm not sure what I would see as the answer. It's more than just my school, district, region, or city. Better systems must exist. Education is failing. So many people are trying. But, education is failing. What should we do?

thoughts of the day and pumpkins (life)

Another wonderful Saturday. Here are a few of the thoughts that have distracted me from my book:
1. I wonder how the bookstore guy,who moved to New Orleans, is. As many of you know, I loved the bookstore guy. We had, what I thought to be, potential for the perfect relationship. Actually, it might have been the perfect relationship. However, we never really spoke more than 3 sentences at a time. He owned a tiny, triangular used bookstore I visited during my lunch hour. I tortured him by asking him to recommend books. But, he did and they were always great. I shared the responsibility to choosing a gift for a friend; I knew I wanted a collection of Rumi poems and told him to order anything he thought was good. I take gift choice seriously. This was big. There was something very concentrated about our interactions. I hope he is okay. I don't know his name. But, I know he moved to 28 Prayer Street. I wonder what would have happened if I was more open to more with him.
2. I wonder if I am still the kind of person who misses opportunities. So few times and places have been perfect for me. What if I do not take advantage of them enough? What if this is not where I am meant to be? Do I even believe in meant to be?
3. What is the difference between stability and stagnation? I think I might actually be a fan of having that kind of life where you require others, where you cease to be mostly separate and become mostly a unit. Is this a good thing?

As for the pumpkins...
A. I saw a clear, plastic pumpkin being pulled down the road by two horses today. A man in silver sparkle pants was driving it, while standing on a little platform, and a woman in a robe that kind of looked like a cross between my professors robes they wore at graduation and a choir robe was sitting beside him. I expected her to start singing. Inside the pumpkin, sat a bride and groom. My roommate commented on the fact that they did not look very happy at the same time I thought if they were mad about how much it cost for them to rent the pumpkin, in relations to the low level of fun the ride ended up being. Why do people do things like that to themselves because it is their wedding? On our walk home from the store, I decided that if I get married, I'm going to have a Thanksgiving wedding because I love Thanksgiving and turkey. Then, I can avoid the fate of the pumpkin bride.
B. My mother trained all of us to say pun-kin instead of pumpkin. Little things like that are one of the treats of being a parent. At 24, my brother still says pun-kin. I love to hear that word come out of the mouth of someone that looks like my brother.
C. There was one of those giant blow up, lawn decorations at the store. It was a pumpkin and it had a 3 foot ghost that rose out of the middle. I don't know how I feel about those decorations.

That's it. Now it's time for me to watch a movie about a man who attaches balloons to his chair and changes his life.

mystery solved and trees (teaching and school)

Today, I learned why I never knew about the supply closet. It's a conspieracy. Those in charge don't advertise the fact that supplies exist for use of the people working/learning in the building. And, I learned that sometimes the pencils in storage get dry rot and the paper turns yellow. Now, I am more dedicated to the idea of getting into the actual space where the supplies are stored. There could be 30 year old fastners for the taking...although, they are probably a safety hazard for many reasons. That does nothing to deminish my desire for them to move into my closet.

Why am I so facinated by supplies? My heart does beat a little faster when I am in Staples and I always have loved the whole process of getting ready for school and buying new school stuff. But, is this really worth two blogs? Actually, three--I plan on blogging when I find the elusive closet.

The trees in the title are due to the fact that I spent almost an hour walking around my college campus categorizing trees for graduate school. I actually loved it. It was a science field trip with a real science teacher. I love science teachers. My friend, the science teacher, will attest to the fact that I make her describe everything, in scientific terms, as we hike. Actually, I enjoy a good friendly lecture about anything. It's just a bonus when it's scientific.

just so you know

I've created a situation where I need to wake up at 5 a.m. to finish stupid papers. They are 4 little science article reviews and they are almost done. I just can't do any more tonight. Also, my clean laundry supply can be categorized as slim-pickins. What do I do with my time?

I have a supply cloest (teaching)

Everything I wrote about being a second year teacher and knowing what is going on was an overstatement. Today, I found out that there is actually a way for me to request supplies at my school. I went an entire year without knowing that this mystical place existed. In fact, I told all of the first year teachers that they should provide their own office supplies because I did that last year. I don't know where the supply closet is in the building. I am not sure if I will actually get anything. But, I have requested some stuff. Right now, I have the following things on my supply list: tape, teacher scissors, staples, and dry erase markers.

I thought a supply closet for teachers was an urban myth or a thing that could only be found in suburban districts. Now, I have my own. This year, I am going to make my way into that closet (once I find it). I want to see office supply heaven and figure out what else I can request. There are probably things I didn't even know I needed in there.

Weekend events (life)

Saturday, I avoided most movement prior to 5:30 and then made myself go out of the house for some forced fun. On Sunday, I ran with someone I used to know, visited a neighborhood called DUMBO, walked across the Brooklyn Bridge, tidied up, fixed my lesson planning, and got an idea for some holiday gifts I want to make for my friends (sewing stuff inspired by my favorite tattoo design). I like when my days are like Sunday. I wish I could do away with the whole recovery period. I should start drinking a lot of coffee again. This was a bad time to break my coffee pot.

I did get to hear an oom-pa band and make a list of 21 things I'd like to have in a partner when I went out on Saturday night. I thought my list was going to stop at my traditional three (lots of CDs, I forget #2, and makes me laugh)...but, I surprised myself. Some of the highlights are: can pick the best spot to place a tent, likes dogs more than cats, makes me laugh 1 + times an hour, at ease in most social situations, and encourages me to be brave.

I have not decided if this is a negotiable or nonnegotiable list. It proved to work at driving two guys away who did not pass the "doesn't ask me to define words I use in daily conversation" criteria. So, we will have to see.

I went to sleep at 7:30 yesterday (teaching and life)

First grade (and my new hobby, insomnia) has me so tired that my body finally crashed at 7:30 last night. It was a coma-like sleep. I woke up several times, looked at the clock, and went right back to sleep. I am still a little sleepy. But, with some very slow movement, I should be able to do something today.

In the few hours leading up to my ridiculously early bedtime, my only topic of conversation was how tired I have been lately. I told my roommate about a recent walk I took from the subway to my apartment after a 12 hour day at school. I saw a 10-year-old boy, riding a bmx with pegs on the back, and seriously considered giving him five bucks to ride me home. It was only thoughts of the possible tabloid headlines that made me reconsider.

Oh, I forgot (life)

While ushering major life shifts into my own reality on a regular basis, I really am resistant to change. For me, change is like taking vitamins; I do it because I know it's good for me. I'm in the midst of major change once again.

The crankiness of the prior blog can mostly be blamed on the whole change thing...and, the heat...and, some close up time with minor medical technology.

Hot and sticky (life)

Today, it was about 90 degrees in my classroom and I am on the air conditioned side of the building. My apartment somehow has my classroom bested. It is so muggy that I can barely think. I am ready for fall. I am meant to live in the fall all year long. Well, I'll take a little spring...but, not when it starts to be summer-like. In my mind, the start of school equals sweaters and jeans. Because of the freekin heat-index, I was forced to push the envelope of professionalism.

So, why blog about the heat? It's weather. I'm breaking one of my few personal rules (don't complain about things that cannot be changed through complaining). I think I'm cranky. My first full week of school has been far from what I want my second year of teaching to entail. I am frustrated with my teaching abilities. I am overwhelmed by the curriculum. I have slept 6 hours a night for the past several days (not enough). And, I have not had any time to do the things that I said I would do to be a healthy person--no gym, no cooking, no time to just be still. I cannot get enough time in my day. I know I could just try to wake up earlier. But, because I kind of hate the morning, I don't want to set an alarm earlier than its current 5:45 a.m. It seems cruel. I can only hope to have a better understanding of my new world for week 2 and, therefore, will be less cranky. I hate it when I'm cranky.

sisters and doctors (life)

Several weeks ago, I felt more afraid than I had felt in years. I woke up in the middle of the night in pain because my body was so tense. It was the night before my sister went to the hospital for her surgery and I was unable to seperate myself from the fear I felt. I cannot remember the last time I felt so alone, so far from my logical self.

Then, today, I saw something that made all of that melt. She can move her fingers in ways that she was never able to before. She tries to explain the feeling of being able to move her fingers because she thinks about it and I can see that she cannot fully express herself. And, I am so happy.

I saw her doctor express true joy at her new found abilities. I can see her slowly understanding what her new thumb will mean to her life. All of this on what I thought would be a normal Monday night. Like my sister, I feel like my words do this no justice.

sleepy and happy

At this moment, I am completely enjoying the weekend. I had my typical breakfast (oatmeal and coffee) and am now preparing to do a little something in a while. No rushing. No place to be...and, a general list of things I need to do. Weekends mean something else when you are not working very much; they are not that different than your daily life so they loose the little joy that the uniqueness of resting brings. But, after a few 12-hour days, there really is nothing like a weekend.

This week has been a little intense. Teaching first grade is as physically and mentally demanding as kindergarten. I am so happy to be around my students again and am acutely aware of how I need to refine my approach to each moment. Not that there has been any big issues...but, I want to be (and can be) more patient, more caring, more focused, more joyful, more intentional. My students deserve me to be the best I can be.

I'm excited to find this year's new routine. It will help everything.

The kids are here and all I can think about is the White Stripes

Today was my first day with my students. I think that the year will be wonderful. I am still trying to figure out what I am going to teach in first grade (scope of my curriculums and how to integrate what seems like a 42 subjects into each day). But, I really cannot give as much brain power as I would like to this task right now. I am currently operating on much less sleep than I normally need (5 hours last night, not many more the night before). So, now, instead of thinking about teaching, I am thinking about how much I want the new White Stripes CD and wondering if Jack White is as much of a musical genius as I think he is.

The good news is the second first day of school is 100 times easier than the first first day of school, one of the fathers in my class works for Home Depot and my class will get to go there on a trip! Oh, and I built the tallest structure in my graduate class tonight, using straws and paperclips, and won cookies. I love cookies.

tomorrow

it begins.

Visitors and the first day of school (life and a little teaching)

I woke up in a mildly pleasant mood today. I was able to do a few of my favorite things (listen to the radio for 2 hours before actually getting out of bed, eat oatmeal and drink coffee while reading, and do some straightening of my apartment) all before 9 a.m. Knowing that this was going to be my last leisurely breakfast of the summer, I was really enjoying everything. Then, just as I was about to go to the laundromat, I checked my email. Now, I am mildly extatic.

My dear friend emailed me last night to let me know she is here--I'm going to get to see her! I have never been the type of person to pull off a surprise trip. I get to excited and have to tell the people I am visiting. But, now that I know how happy a surprise visit can make a person, I may try to pull one off at some point in my life. I can't wait to see her.

Another thing of note is that today is officially my last day as a first year teacher. Tomorrow begins two days of conferences and then my students arrive on Thursday. I have been waking up thinking about things I am going to say to my little guys and the other students in the school. Teaching gives me space to be a bit of a dork sometimes. I'm sure that a fifth grader, who is always in trouble, will be a little confused when I ask him what good things I will hear about him this year. But, I'm going to ask him. And, I'll get to refer to myself in the third person again. For some reason, I did that all of the time last year. It's a little strange...but, it worked

school & life (school & life)

Today, I spent many hours getting my classroom ready for the first graders. It was my fourth day leveling my library (much like matching approximately 900 pairs of socks, for those of you who don't know what that means) and trying not to freak out over the fact that I have no idea what I will actually be teaching on Thursday. I do not have any curriculum nor do I know which curriculum I will be using during the school year. I think I may have nightmares about miseducation until the first day of school.

As I was preparing my classroom, I also thought about the world I am a part of and what it means to educate children now. Last year, my kindergarteners talked about the war and the tsunami. They worried for their families and I had no way to make them feel less confused. I tried to make them feel safe in the classroom...something I do because I think it is essential. However, I am pretty sure the children in my school literally watched the Twin Towers fall through our school windows. Sometimes, I am very aware of how conflicted I feel.

The bombings in London's subways and on the streets of Iraq have caused me fear. The destruction of life in Louisiana is more than I can comprehend. And, there are so many other things I read about (or, don't even hear about) that do not make sense. What does this mean to someone who will be 6 on their next birthday?

To be a teacher, right now (and probably always), means creating some type of appropriate space for the children to discuss their world and help them figure out how to have a positive impact their world. On Thursday, I think that I must listen to my students' observations of what they have seen. That is the only way I know to help them figure out what it is that they need, right now.

Change

I realized that I have composed lists for my last three blogs. Although I think lists are a wonderful way to organize and I have been known to ask for people's top 5 lists on random topics, next time, I promise to use an alternate form of writing. This could get boring for the readers (if you exist).

An unfortunate turn of events….(life)

I came back to my apartment tonight, after being away for what seems like the whole month of August, with plans to get myself ready for the school year. My graduate classes begin on Tuesday and I will be working on setting up my first grade classroom most of next week, so now is the time. All day, I have been composing mental lists of important things to do to help me be really ready for next week. In my mind, tonight, I was going to: balance checkbook, pay bills, create literacy check off sheet that will allow me to quickly know exactly what skills each of my students have developed and change my life as a teacher, organize all of my important papers from the past few semesters that I want to have as a reference in my classroom this year, and mop my kitchen. [Just so you know, I have yet to learn to break my to do lists into manageable elements. My lists typically represent some type of major life change that I am convinced I can undertake in 2-3 business days.]

For my first two hours at home, I checked in with my favorite websites and decided between seeing a movie at a coffee shop or a sculpture garden this week. Now that it is 10:30 and I am feeling ready to begin one of these projects, I realized three things that do not make me happy.

• Number one: I am no longer on my teacher’s clock. All summer, I kind of stayed in the wake up and go to bed early mode. Now, with 1.5 weeks left to go, I’ve flipped things around. I have returned to my night-owlish self. I like to be awake, listening to crickets and quiet streets. This is far from perfect timing for this to happen. Soon, I am going to have to be engaging and uber-aware of many wiggly children at 8 a.m.
• Number two: My to do lists are too long. I’m going to have to reevaluate.
• Number three: I have managed to separate myself from my toothbrush again. This is the second time in one month that I have placed many miles between myself and my toothbrush. This time, it never made it’s way back into my bathroom bag that has been with me since August 9^th. Last time, it fell out of the belt of these Thailand pants I was wearing and I didn’t feel it slip out. I feel bad for the person who sells me my third toothbrush of August in the morning. I’m going to go rinse.

Not so much (kind of life)

Now that I have this blog, I feel like I need to make astute comments on life, find insight in things that seem insignificant, and do all of the other care and feeding required to keep entertained. Well, I have not had many thoughts that are suitable for the blog. I know I began this with fierce dedication to the idea of making my private thoughts public. But, this week, I'm less committed to that idea. I'm sure the tide will shift again. But, for right now, I just don't want to tell anyone anything...kind of. And, because I've been spending q.t. in suburbia, my interactions with interesting events has had a much lower batting average than what i hit each time I step out of my door in my urban area. So, the cat-on-the-subway type blogs have been harder to come by recently.

But, still, I feel a little pressure to perform. So, based on a conversation I had a few weeks ago, I will quickly write about some of the lives I could have had if I had not done things to have my current life. Here is my alternative lives, from easiest to think of to hardest:
*I could still be in DC, working for some youth development nonprofit. I may have move from my little MP basement apartment, found someone to nest with, and finally let myself be one of those inside the Beltway people. I always resisted that when I lived in DC...even though I love the word wonk. [I am not really sure if people call someone a wonk with the affection I feel for the term. So, I'm not sure if this option of being a policy wonk is really a good thing.]
*I could have stayed in Flagstaff. I would have adopted a dog or three, as is the trend in that part of the worlds, and talked about fire management plans. I always imagined I would have lived in a little house where I could have blue glass in my kitchen and no curtains on my windows.
*I could have moved to American Samoa after I graduated from college (which was my plan for a few months) and lived a great South Pacific life. I would learn to identify the Southern Cross and the frying pan (the only two constellations I learned about while in New Zealand). I would have learned all about a history I have no knowledge of and traveled to islands like Bora Bora or an atoll for my holidays.

Instead, I'm here. I never imagined I'd end up here…and, my new dreams involve certification in ESL and joining a literacy council.

Home again, home again....

After a brief vacation off the grid, I have returned to my blog. Colorado was amazing. I rode on the back of a scooter all over Boulder, meditated my way to becoming the Green Tara (deity of compassion and fearlessness—amazing combo, if you think about it), and so completely relaxed that I am now unsure if I can ever have a job again. It was wonderful.

A few highlights from my time out west:

1. Bagged a fourteener—I was driving, but I’m still going to count it.

2. Decided that if I was pushed to make a decision, I would choose to live in Tinytown as opposed to Mosquito Gulch.

3. Drove to southern CO, with my arm out of the sunshine side window, for 8 hours, which caused an interesting chain of events. First, my left arm became very sunburned from the shoulder to mid-forearm (I was wearing a tank top). Then, when I tried to do a “superman” over and off of an exercise ball, I found I could not really support myself with my arm at the end of the whole sha-bang. I crashed into the floor…repeatedly. Finally, I gave myself a rug burn on my left hip during one of the crashes. Because of this, I was forced to walk around with my pants pulled down a little for the rest of the trip. By the way, one arm is still much darker (for me) than the other.

4. I made some westerners uncomfortable with my east-coast style questioning techniques.

5. Learned that green chilies make food better and that I can eat green chili covered burritos Indian-food style while driving.

6. Remembered I could be still for extended periods of time and really enjoy it. I knit 2.5 scarves. My knitting no longer has wobbly sides or big holes…counting really does make a difference.

7. Spent time with such good friends…I’m lucky to have them in my life.

Now I’m back home and happy to be here, too.

Entertainment on the underground (life)

Yesterday, I was in the train station, making my way home, when I saw a woman carrying a very large litter box. It was one of those covered things and it had a handle--making me think it might not really be a litter box, that it was more of a transportation thing. Because this is (somewhat) unusual and I had come up with a few questions about the situation in a few seconds, I was intrigued. I made my way closer and found that she was indeed carrying a litter box. She was also carrying a cat in a canvas shopping bag. It kept sticking its head out of the top of the bag and then, looking horrified by what it saw, ducked back inside the bag. The cat had huge eyes and looked like it was ready to bolt.The woman was walking around as if what she was doing was perfectly normal. I wanted to yell, "There is a cat in that bag!" and was disappointed by the fact that no one else seemed to realize that there was an actual animal, in a bag, on its way to the train. In my world, this is an exciting event and should be commented on with strangers.

The cat in a bag made me thing of the other times I have seen something amusing on the trains and no one around me seems even a little bit closer to a small giggle. Off the top of my head, this list includes: 4 tall, blond men in lederhosen, a man in a very small Speedo (as someone who never wears shorts for fear of what will touch my bare leg on public transportation, I wondered how he scraped himself off the seat..then, hoped I did not sit where he sat), and a performer doing some crazy Lambada with a full size doll attached to his shoes. With each of these small events, I got nothing. Not one shared look with a stranger. No comment on the strangeness of what was passing before us. Nada.

The only time I can get close to the community event I look for is when someone is doing something rude, disgusting, or dangerous. Then, the fellow inhabitants of my fair city are more than willing to make a comment...and, make it loudly.

state of the life (misc.)

Today, I had one of those moments where an inane part of pop culture provides much too much insight into life. In the past, I have given pause to the lines of a song, a commercial, and (worse case scenario) a greeting card. This time, it was a television show (watched on DVD). I thought I was turning on the show to set myself up for a half-hour of slightly distracted knitting time. Instead, I was driven to questioning by some stupid line. The offending line was something like: "Am I just looking for someone to run wild with?"

It caused me to wonder about relationships (which I realize are a thing of wonder)...I have been known to think that I should be looking for a relationship with someone I can take care of and can take care of me. I am beginning to think that I may want more. I think that I am looking to find someone who causes me to be the most me I can be...the good, the bad, and all of the stuff in the middle. I don't think that I want to settle for just okay, for comfortable.

This is the reason that I'm no good at casual dating. I'm too much work for myself.

It's time for me to leave the apartment. I have to put a stop to this train of thought.

prepare for CO (travel)

Now, it is time for me to begin getting ready for my second trip west for the summer. The last time I flew away from home, I had finished teaching the day before and bought shoes for the wedding on the morning of my flight. I had no real supplies for camping, too many shirts, and a travel book that did not suit my mood. This time, because of my current status of a do-not-too-much-er, I can fully prepare. Well, kind of prepare. I have already messed up some plans with friends by mixing up the a.m. and the p.m. on my arrival time and I'm not exactly sure of how I am getting from here to there once I hit the Rockies. Right now, I'm just hoping that the contence of my pack is a little more thought out. As for the arrival stuff, I am putting much credence in the fact that it always works out. So, I'm sure it will all be fine.

My basic plan is to fly in to Denver Tuesday, spend the night in Boulder, and then take off for southern Colorado for a few days. While I'm in the south, I will help out in a kitchen, find hot springs (which is one of my favorite things in the world), and walk around...Buddhist style. [I have already fought (and lost) the urge to make Ohm jokes.] I'm also going to get to visit a small town on the northern border of NM. It is a town my dear dear friend has called home for a long time. I'm sure she and I will find small adventures that will cause others to raise their eyebrows at the fun we will be having-that is our history. I may also get the chance to revisit my slight obsession with ranchers while I'm in NM...for an east coast girl, I have more than my fair share of questions about cows.

All joking aside, I am really looking forward to my time with my friend. We have not spent time together in a long while and wonderful experiences always come to us while we are together. And, I think a reatreat from my world might bring some needed perspective to life.

After seeing what the Buddha has going on, I will again head north. In Boulder, I am going to spy on a life of another good friend for a few days. I'm hoping to get in an indoor soccer match, visit bookstores, eat good food, and discover why he thinks his city is better than my city. We shall see.

friends and family (life)

I am lucky because I feel my life is filled with so many good people. This weekend, I took a small trip to see a college friend marry a wonderful person. He was so happy. They were so calm. I cried, like I like to, during the ceremony in the marsh. It was wonderful.

The wedding was a wonderful time for so many friends to be together. During college, these people were the ones who I tried out new ideas with (or sometimes on), they supported me as I left childhood behind, and then we all left to do very different things. Somehow, seven years later, we all found ourselves with similar elements to our paths and still able to sit down for conversations where we share our lives with one another.

Similar things happend when I went to Wyoming for a wedding of a DC friend. Over the course of several days in the Tetons, I saw two friends marry one another, alternated between being entertained and being the entertainment, and discussed all that life brings. Those friends let me laugh at myself, as I try to figure out my world.

Now, I am off to my family's home. We will laugh and eat. Then, I'll steal a little sister for a day or two. I like that they are a part of my life. But, I'm late (as usual). I should not keep them waiting any longer.

rest has come to me (misc.)

For the next few days, I will actually be home, with nothing to do. I have 9 days between trips and plan on being a little creative with how I use my time. Well, really I plan to just do what I want to do. After a school year of teaching/graduate school and then a summer of full time student-hood, the state of "nothing that needs to be done" is completely unfamiliar.

Typically, when I have even a little time on my hands, I feel a need to go away. Other than an overnight visit to my family, I will attempt to amuse myself in a small radius of home for a bit. I live in a place where local museums are world-class, I can see movies outside, and there is more to do every night of the week than any one person could do in a year. I need to make this week full, in that good way.

I also want to start doing things that I was not able to do over the school year that are important to me. I want to cook, read, write letters, go to the gym, and have meaningful connections with friends each day. I know these are essential elements of having the life I want to have...and, somehow they all became optional over the course of one very busy year.

summer has begun (teaching)

It is official. My summer has begun. At 7 p.m. today, I left my last class for the summer session. I think that I learned something this semester...about literacy development. The classes let me fine-tune the information I had been collecting, in my classroom, all year. I feel like I will be a different teacher in September. I feel like I have real information to base my actions on in the classroom. Of course, my bar for self-evaluation is now much higher and I will have more tools to use when I am looking to find fault with myself. But, that's the price I pay.

No one really evaluates your work in a consistent nature in a school. People have an idea of how much you yell (if it can be heard in the hallway, if you yell in the lunchroom, etc.). People see how your class walks through the halls. And, of course, there are standardized tests. But, very few adults will witness your teaching on a consistent basis.

This year (my first year teaching), I had mentors, literacy coaches, APs, and principals observe me on a very regular basis. But, I feel as if my self-evaluation process was the only true feedback I could use to learn what it means to teach. Well, that and all of the students. They were the true evaluation of my abilities to be a teacher.

This September, I am looking forward to actually knowing where the gym is, understanding what it means to level a library, and learning from a very skilled teacher. I feel so far from the person I was July 28, 2004. Now, we'll just have to see how all of my new-found confidence flies once I have 4 children sitting nicely in their seats and the other 22 trying to get my attention so they can go to the bathroom.