The way we live our lives (life/teaching)

Most of the time, a weekend feels like it is never enough; you can't do everything you intended to do, you are running from here to there, and you waste more time than you expected to waste. But, not this weekend. With the help of a good friend, I just had the most wonderful weekend. We took walks with views, we were the most entertained/entertaining people in public forums, we laughed, and attempted to figure out the world.

I also engaged in a high level of ADD influenced chatter. Each topic was revisited often and the lines between them were somewhat blurred.
Topic #1
I have decided that I want to live in a modular home . I like the intention of design, the green-factor, the indoor/outdoor component, and the unique-but-the-same factor. So, once I decide on the state/city of my choice, my dream is to erecter-set my new home together and hardwire it for all of my (new) favorite technology.
Topic #2
My new love of my iBook. I love the iBook. I am trying to change my speech over to mac and discovering the power of the widget. I cannot believe how good the iBook is...it makes me happy.
Topic #3
Through the modular home thoughts and iBook, I arrived at my marvel of design/engineering theme of the weekend. It culminated at a visit to the MOMA. I cannot believe that there are people out there who can, honestly, build a better mousetrap. I forget how influenced I am by the visual elements of my world. I feel like I should make it a priority of creating a pleasing visual environment for myself. And, I should take a physics class or talk to someone who can explain how bridges can be built.
Topic #4
Living the life I want to live...I never know if I am compromising too much. Somehow, my priorities produce a semi-exhausting life. I am so caught up in the fear of missing out on things that are really important because I accidentally worried too much about something that doesn't mean as much as I think it does now. Of course, this was the last thing on my mind when I was doubled over from laughing so much this weekend. But, it did come up once or twice...and, I think that these are the questions that motivate me to work at becoming the person I want to be. So, I guess they are not all bad.
Topic #5
The whole education system I am a part of produces such frustration on the part of everyone. There is a city in Japan that is committed to a slow life. They have changed their view of education so they "pay less attention to academic achievement, and create a society in which people can enjoy arts, hobbies, and sports throughout our lifetimes, and where all generations can communicate well with each other." I listen to friends talk about the lives of the students they teach and I know that fixing the education system means more than just fixing what happens in the course of the six hours I spend with my students. We cannot expect students to leave the hardships behind them when they cross the entrance of a school, for my classroom to be a sterilized environment that has no true connection to the life outside.

But, it is time for this to stop. There is no way to change the world on my blog. And, my eyes are drying out from staring at the screen for so long. Maybe I should have stopped at the whole "I had the most amazing weekend...thanks to a friend" thought.

Mac Day!

I love my iBook. I think that it is possible that everything in my
world is about to change. I have downloaded widgets, tried to make the
icons bounce a lot, and can have everything suck down to the dock with
a touch. I cannot wait to figure out how everything works.

My Class Tis of Thee (teaching)

They say you are not supposed to smile until Christmas. I, of course, am not close to pulling that one off. I do understand the philosophy behind the idea. If you are too friendly or too permissive, the environment that is created will not promote learning as much as it could. It is my goal to promote learning and I know that I have a lot to learn about creating and maintaining an effective classroom.

Today, I was so overcome by what happened, there was no way I was going to be all business. My class takes part in some incredibly standardized morning routines. We journal as children are getting settled and homework is being checked, then we go on to the pledge (chair in, right arm out, hand on heart). They began singing "My Country Tis of Thee" rather quietly. It was a Thursday...we were a little sleepy. So, I put my hand by my ear and squinted my eyes. Well, what resulted was so amazing, I almost doubled over laughing.

My students screamed/yelled the whole song. They did not get quieter towards the end. They did not miss a word (I had no idea they all actually knew the words). And, they were loud. I could not control my laughter. The love screaming the song so much and there was no way I was going to make them stop. The rest of the day was kind of affected. But, I have never heard a more energetic rendition of a patriotic song in my life. I'm thinking of recording them.

Old School (life/teaching)

It's been a hard few days in my world. I've felt ill equipped to deal with some things that are a part of my job description. I've been forced to create documentation showing compliance to a curriculum my school does not use so my boss' boss can get the proper dog and pony show. I've felt frustrated with the lack of support from those around me. And, it's 8:23 and I have not done my work for the evening.

All of this would be overwhelming if I had not come home to do-it-yourself MadLibs. At this time, my roommate is making me give her a verb and anohter verb to complete some crazy story she just wrote. This is keeping me completely distracted and entertained.

indvidual education plan (teaching)

On Friday, I had a meeting where a parent was told her daughter needs quite a bit of help. I have been her daughter's teacher for since she was in kindergarten and have been harboring some resentment towards the mother that I did not realize I had until the days before the meeting. The girl is a cutie. And, tough. She has had a hard time learning things since she came to my classroom. I've talked with mother. I've tried to be gentle. And, together, we have made some great strides. But, still, my student continues to fall further and further behind.

Before the meeting, I was frustrated with the fact that the mother has not made her daughter's education a priority. She came to me without knowing her letters, without knowing how to spell her name...and, it never seemed as if the mother was doing enough to help her daughter. But, as we talked, I could see how upset the mother was by the information we were all sharing. She was overwhelmed and conflicted. She talked about the fact that this is her only child, told me about the games they play together, the books they ready, and about her daughter's spirit.

As I sat across from her, I remembered that I spent last year committed to the fact that I cannot blame the parents. It is unreasonable and unfair. My parents were judged by my teachers. It did not help my education as a student nor their education as a parent. I am lucky to know that this girl's mother loves her. She shows it in a different way I show my love. But, my role is not to judge.

Sometimes, I feel like the answers we have available are insufficient. During the meeting, I tried to impart all of my knowledge on how to teach children literacy skills as quickly as I could. I tried to let her know that the reason I want her daughter to move into a new type of classroom was so she could get all the help she needed, so that she could continue to love school, and so her little heart could continue to get what it needed...I wanted the mother to feel comfortable with a change. But, I worry. What if her new teacher doesn't care, or yells, or doesn't teach in a way that makes sense to my student. I wish there were guarantees...or, even, some true recourse a parent could take if things don't work out. But, our system is amazingly bureaucratic; the teachers, parents, and students all get lost in some ways. I cannot worry about everything. I know this student belongs in an environment that can better meet her needs. And, much of what I am feeling is about my difficulty to let go.

My mentor recently told me that I have to stop thinking with my heart about matters like these...my response was that thinking with my heart is my strength as a teacher. She laughed and agreed. Right now, I do wish that I could be a little more removed...worry less. But, that's not who I am.

just say no

For those of you who are unfamiliar with my problem, I am a chronic over planner. Last weekend, I went to visit an aunt and had 5 things (reading, bills, knitting, letters, and something else) to do with me on the train ride. I need entertainment. I like to have contingency plans, should my first plan not strike my fancy. I do not need constant movement; I just like to know I have the opportunity.

My problem with over planning has a strange side-effect. I do not like to say no to anything. If it is suggested, is something I would do on my own, and involves someone I enjoy spending time with, I'm basically up for it. When I have to say no, I feel like I am letting people down. I feel like I'll miss fun.

I am trying to figure out when saying no is a good idea. I decided to take only one 5 hour train ride to visit someone this weekend instead of the two I had planned. I decided being on the school leadership team was probably not the smartest thing for me to do at this point. And, I try to leave my classroom within an hour of the students leaving every once in a while.

But, I cannot help but feel like I'm letting someone I care about down when I don't do something. There are only so many hours in the day for me to work with...I have to figure out when saying yes is just going to send me into overdrive and when saying no is going to provide me with some a little slice of mental health.

Some advice (life)

It has now been confirmed through experience that a person should never eat burritos (of the bean/ground turkey variety) and then rebound (jump on a trampoline) for an hour. It is not good.

it's cold...so, so, cold.

I think that I need some old-fashioned change in my life. I don't want to move or try out a new career (my typical approach to change). I desire a change of a different sort. I want additional something in my life. I think that it could be a winter-hibernation induced situation.

Over the past few weeks, a theme has entered my life. Several people have talked with me about their life. They discussed the things that they see as their problems. Then, they talked about how they could not see how they kept getting into the same situations time and time again. My advice has been to change the way they approach their life. I know that it is easy to say and hard to do. But, on a very deep level, I truly think that the only acceptable method for dealing with feelings of malcontent is to change yourself.

Because I have had too much time to think today, I am in the midst of a familiar "I need to change" feeling. Even in the anynomus blog forum, I am not feeling complete freedom to discuss the issue. I must not be ready for the change. Maybe I feel overwhelmed, like I've tried everything in the past and have not really been able to change things. But, I know that is not a true interpretation of the situation. Things have changed. I have changed. Some circumstances are familiar. Ironically, I worry that the problems are all rooted in fear. I guess now it's time to stop worrying and learn to love the bomb.

Teeth (life)

Recently, I accidently used my roommates toothbrush. We have the same brand...different colors. Mid-brush, I realized what had happened and I took her blue Wave toothbrush out of my mouth and swithced to my own green Wave. Tonight, I told her what happened as we got ready to go to our local dive bar for a quick drink. She said that she could taste my toothpaste on her toothbrush. I had to tell her that this toothbrush incident happened two days ago.

I didn't tell her right away because I knew that it was not really a big deal. A few weeks ago, she said I could have her other toothbrush because mine had fallen in the cavern between the tub and the sink and I did not have a replacement. I must not have listened to her describe the toothbrush I should use because she and I used the same toothbrush for at least 2 weeks. It was figured out when I walked around the livingroom brushing my teeth one day and she said something like, "Oh, you're using that toothbrush?"

Something has gotten into me (life)

In the past 24 hours, I have undergone a shift. Between watching Pride and Prejudice and having a visit from a neighbor, I have suddenly become caught up in it all. I hope that this stays with me. It's a nice change.

I need help! (life)

In the past 24 hours, in what I like to think is an uncharacheristic manner, I have become consumed by the prospect of purchase. I have made mental lists. I have discussed. And, I have weighed my options. I want to buy a computer and an iPod. Wait. That does not fully capture the situation I am in at this moment. I want to convert my world to Mac. A year ago, this was not the kind of person who could fully comprehend the power of that statement. Even now, I know only some of the goodness the world of Mac holds. But, I think it could be true love.

I want everything on the screen of my computer to bounce when you scroll. I want to use GarageBand to revolutionize my approach to early literacy instruction. I want to iLife my life. I want everything to sync. [And, I really want to be able to do work at work, college and home...hence the laptop.]

I am now in the situation of fully committing myself to a series of new iThings. But, I feel like I need to do some research that goes beyond my current level infatuation. Should I let this generation of Intel-insides get out of the way before I put money on the line? Should I buy an iBook first so my iPod doesn't think I am a music pirate, stealing music off of multiple computers? Should I get a whole lot of memory or just the normal package? What do I really need to do with the computer? And, am I really the kind of person who should have a laptop? I'm too absentminded to be considered gentle and I throw things without knowing it sometimes. Is the iBook's space-age construction a match for me?

I'm in desperate need of techy insight (but, please, only of the Mac variety).

Little Christmas (life)

I'm off to a gathering of 30+ relatives. It is little Christmas and I will be eating all of my favorite things to celebrate.

I love my life (life)

I was prepared to write a blog about all of the things that are wrong with teaching in NYC...I had a mental list, I had quotes, and I had indignation. Then, I took a walk and fell in love with my city and the pissy blog was taken over by the much more hopeful blog.

After I left school, I went into the city to meet a friend for dinner. Because she does not live in my 7-3 (or 4:45 today) world, there was some time between when I was ready and when she was ready. So, I got off at my favorite subway stop (the one at the bottom of Central Park) and walked down 9th Ave, from Columbus Circle (60th) to her house (in the 30s). The following sights made me have one of those moments where you feel lucky to be a part of a place:
*every tree on one street was completely covered in tiny white lights
*the windows of the Alvin Alley Dance Company's building allow you to watch dancers do amazing things
*two restaurants that had such amazing lighting and space design that I must go eat Thai and Chinese in each place very soon
*a coffee shop named The Coffee Pot (very good coffee, by the way)

Then, I remembered a student telling me that he wanted the fact that he read a book put "on his permanent record" today. And, I thought about the eraser I received as a gift from another student. And, the silly mood another one was in all day. And, I remembered, I do love my life. It is really so good.

The ultimate in lazy (life)

After I dropped my favorite VTer off at the train, I decided to take a little walk. Unfortunately, it had begun to rain. My old umbrella was home (and has a broken arm, so it flops around), so I decided to get a new one. Well, my new umbrella can open AND CLOSE with the push of a button. I feel as if I have entered a new level of lazy. I feel like I am just the porter for this object that has a level of independence not often found in inanimate objects. I don't know how I feel about this new situation.

Now, I am enjoying some quiet time. After a week of family and friends, though, I kind of miss having people I love around me. I had hours of conversation about life, laughed and was entertained by some very funny people, and enjoyed all the normal things you do when you are around the people who know you best.

I have learned some new things during my time in western VA:
*the spladle (sp?) is an unstoppable wrestling move
*I have a previously unknown talent for leg wrestling
*my friends and I have lost some ability too bounce back
*my lack of membership to eHarmony/match.com is now a reason for people to scold me
*the jokes that were funny in 2005 still seem to be working in 2006

I have to go now...I must do all of the things that were on my list for the week off. I only have a few hours left of vacation.