SAHM

SAHM is mommy message board speak for stay at home mom. I have just become one for the baby who is not due to arrive for a few weeks. I had planned on talking about starting my maternity leave early at today's OB appointment; I did not really think an option would be to start it today. Apparently, it is more than an option. My sense of obligation made me ask if it was okay to finish the week. It is. So, I will work until Friday and then life as I know it will change.

I will be home, preparing for the baby, taking care of my home, talking to the cats [I know this one is a slippery slope], attempting to shed the stress of the school year, and filling my time with things other than IEPs, meetings, testing, and the exhaustion that comes along with them. I will miss my students. But, I will have the time and the energy to prepare my life, as best I can, for the new child that will occupy the central part of my world.

Typing this is making me move from the shock of doctor's visit to a sense of calmness that I have not felt on a Monday in quite some time...I think that might be the whole point.

Summer

This year has been difficult. I had students coming and going all year, families in crisis, an amazing lack of district wide moral that shrinking budgets and increased class size can create, and a general sense that I am not doing enough for my students. In some ways I think teaching is like parenting; it's very easy to feel inadequate in a very important roll. When I look at the year with slightly less pessimistic eyes, I can see there were some successes that are important (even if they do not involve increased reading levels). My 5th graders all talked about a book they loved this year. This was a first for many of them. Thank you Kate diCamillo and your wonderful Winn Dixie. One student can now tell time when she could not before (she can also do many other math related things but this had an impact on her day to day). I discovered the power of the pitch counter for reducing unexpected behaviors and increasing my ability to chart that kind of thing. That one was a thank you Amazing Race for the idea and Dave for being driven to be productive even on a line at the JPL's open house slash wanting to use his Amazon iPhone app. It does not seem like the extenuating circumstances that made this year hard [read: the economy] will be any better next year. But, for now, I have summer. I will try to refill my tank. This task will undoubtedly be made easier by the many visits planned for the summer and my iPad. I'm looking forward to shedding this sense of failure for something more lighthearted (and perhaps realistic). Oh, Summer.

It's summertime (or at least should be)

I am 3.5 days away from the end of my 6th year of teaching. It has been such a difficult, all consuming year, that my blog has suffered. My life has revolved around things that I feel are not blog-appropriate. I am struggling with the general feeling of inadequacy of my skill in the face of social ills.

While I attempt to finish the work that lies between me and the end of year, I am half watching Rome. Somehow the carnage and general nastiness of the Roman empire are fitting the task before me. Oh, summer. I will fill my days with things very different than this year held. And, I am looking forward to it - very much.

5 second rule

I've been trying to kick it up a notch lately. I've been wearing my sneakers to school less, tried to remember earrings and only let my pressed powder run out for one week - not one half of a year, as is typical. Despite these efforts, I really cannot escape myself. Mentally, I am still the messy kid.

It was snack time (for me) and I busted my cheese stick out of lunchbox. After taking both ends of the wrapper, I proceeded to catapult the entire thing straight up in the air. There was then a thud as it fell onto one of the chairs in my classroom. I was not so happy. For a moment, I though, "That's still good." Then I remembered where I was and who I was surrounded by. I love my students but they are not clean (despite our weekly cleaning sessions). The 5 second rule so does not apply.

PS I realize the fact that I have both snack time and a lunchbox are counteracting my ability to kick it up a notch.

PPS I also realize that this blog is disjointed. I have not blogged in such a long time that I forgot my password and, seemingly, lost my ability to edit. Sorry.

PPPS This one is for you, LR.

Home

We finally found a book shelf that works with the living room and, today, filled it up with books arranged by genre (as I like to do). It has been so long since my paired down library has been properly displayed. Before I moved to LA, I donated an old lady cart filled with books to the local salvation army. What was left got packed up and shipped, book rate, from my apartment to Dave. As I opened the boxes today, I was kind of shocked to see what had made the cut. My 8th grade yearbook. My collection of cookbooks I had forgotten about. Outdated travel books I still cannot bring myself to donate. All of my books from undergrad. My favorite books by Isabel Allende and Alice Walker. The A Tree Grows in Brooklyn I read every year growing up. I missed my books. I'm happy they are home.

Books I have Read

I recently received the gift of A Homemade Life and fell a little bit in love. This is a cookbook slash memoir. Or maybe an essay collection with a recipe at the end of each section, in the spirit of Like Water for Chocolate. Whatever it is, I loved it and felt okay committing sacrilege (turning down the pages) because I had to mark the recipes I wanted to make. I was excited when I read about the slow roasted tomatoes and then over the moon when she talked about stewed prunes. I love stewed prunes - but because they are somewhat out of fashion, none of my other cookbooks even attempt a recipe. It was wonderful book and, after finding out she has a pizza place that makes it own sausage, in is yet another reason I want to go visit Seattle (Laura being reason number 1, Andrew's crepes being reason number 2, my general love of the city being reason number 3).

Speaking of books, I never followed up on my Mennonite in a Little Black Dress saga. I finally broke down, bought the hardcover (which always seems amazingly decedent to me) and L-O-V-E-D the book. Of course, I received the email from the library about my book arriving the day after I left for NY (I kid you not) and had to go pick it up after I came back to LA to avoid scaring my perfect record at the LA Public Library. As I read my own personal copy on the plane, I laughed very loudly and then insisted that Dave stop what he was doing to read a few paragraphs. Much like when he does not immediately beat me in a board game, I think he was humoring me.

Happy New Year

Ten years ago, the world was in fear of Y2K, I celebrated the new year with a killer living room dance party, watching the flashing madonna from John and Autumn's window, trying to figure out how we could get down to DC's Mall to celebrate the Will-ennium, and general confusion of the early twenties.

This year, I made roasted chicken and parsnips, was ready for bed by 10:30 due to a crippling case of jet lag, and was surprised with a wake-up kiss from my husband at midnight. Oh what a difference ten years can make.

Happy New Year to all those I love - near and far.

Crying

I am not a crier. However, when it does happen, it is typically a public event. Today that event was a read-aloud. My 5th graders and I were using the last 20 minutes of our reading time to finish a book we began yesterday. It was one by my favorite author, Patricia Polacco, and I should have known. I only read her books aloud a few times a year because her writing so perfectly captures emotion that moves me.

The Christmas Tapestry, today's book, was a perfect blending of sadness and hope. Perhaps based on an amazing true story, I began to tear up when I learned that the woman from the bus stop had been separated from her family by the Nazis. I looked around the table and 8 little boys looked at me with some confusion. The 2 girls were more supportive. One boy asked, "Are you crying?" I then explained a little bit of history and the children seemed to understand.

The crying continued (read: really began to roll) when there was a wonderful twist of fate that I will not ruin for you. At that point, one boy slowly hid his face inside the top of his shirt. Another one could no longer look at me. But, one was sharing a cry with me. And, for the first time that morning, they were all focused on something other than vacation. It was a very good day.

Holidays, whoop, in the park

something, something, it's Christmas time. Da da da da.

**************

I finally got around to finishing my small batch of hand made holiday cards for the year aught-nine. The first go left my poor husband exclaiming "Ah, glitter," followed by a string of mumbled expletives each time he had an unexpected moment of discovery of a small glitter deposit (which some might say was just a little bit festive, but tomato-long a/tomato-short a).

Today, I took it out doors. In a few days, several relatives and old friends will find their home filled with a little joy that has been a part of our lives for a few weeks.

Deck the halls.

My poor blog.

Hey. A blog. I have a blog.

I should use it.

I just tried to blog. It was no good. It was, unfortunately, more like a status update. Stupid Facebook. But that one is now erased. 5 years and I've let go of blog fodder. Poor poor blog.

But, I did get Christmas cards. That was a good time.

Life as I know it...33

Amazingly enough, this is my fifth birthday blog (1, 2, 3 & 4 found here). I like to take a moment and reflect upon the year that has passed and make a plan for the year coming. Although I never really integrated the whole concept of 32 into my self image (I thought I was 31 for much of the year), I do still love a look back.

This year was a chapter change for me. I became a married person - something I never thought I would do until I decided to visit LA on my way to India and then knew almost immediately. It has been a completely wonderful transition and I can now not fathom a different path for my life.

While my personal life has become more settled my professional life has become less so. I anticipate change on the horizon. This brings alternating feelings of anxiety and adventure. I am still happy to spend my days with my students. But, the time around the time with them is a different story. I have more to think about before I am able to be definitive on these pages. For now, I think.

I've been caught up in thoughts about a change that happens as people move from their 20s into their 30s. When I began this blog, much of my life revolved around the day to day experiences of friends. My focus has readjusted overtime. I have been feeling bad about this; interpreting the change to social awkwardness and a rediscovered sense of shyness. Perhaps, though, it has more to do with the way I am turning toward my own little family unit than an inability to carry on adult conversation.

Now for the bullet point portion of the evening. Things I plan on doing as a 33 year old:

• Take a ceramics class.
• Continue to write thank you cards (it's a nice thing to do and has not always been in my social repertoire).
• Try to rediscover movement in my life. This has something to do with the analogy of putting on the oxygen mask of others before I put on my own. It's not the way I'm supposed to do it.
• Continue to find ways to have pride of ownership in my home. I love being home and I want to find more ways to extend the good feelings. If this means a iCal alert to clean the baseboards, so be it.
• Try to blog more. There was a request.
• Spend less time consuming and more time creating.
• Make at least one healthy choice each day.
• Continue to use recipes. The results have been wonderful.

Menonite in a Little Black Dress

A while ago, I was waiting for a latte at the local coffee shop, perusing the NYTimes magazine. I found my way to the back page (which I love). The title really drew me in. So I read it. I loved it. I requested the book (Menonite in a Little Black Dress) from the LA Public Library. Forever ago.

When I put in the request, I was number two on the hold list. I am still number two on the hold list. This has brought about some OCD like behaviors. I check the status online. I ask about it when I have to return other books. Then, I wonder if I should just break down and buy a hardcover book. I mean the freekin book is laugh out loud and it uses the word canoodling. The internal strife is building.

If it does not arrive soon, I am so getting this book for the flight back east.

Ah, October

October has begun and I have left a somewhat painful September behind. The school year began with a bang. It was followed up with a few more bangs and then lots of intense meetings. When October rolled around, I was a little bit shell shocked and unsure if I'd make it through the year. But, we've begun to hit our stride. The kids are rocking it...great reading comprehension grades on difficult books, almost 100% homework on a regular basis, math skills everywhere you turn, happy kids and a happy teacher. Ahhhhh.

The Reason I'll Never be a Diplomat

Well, there are actually many reasons. The one that is currently sticking out in my mind is my inability to respond to passive aggressive folks in a non-emotional way. There is a teacher who puts me through my paces at the beginning of each year. It's a struggle to keep the students we share in compliance with their IEPs and it is also a struggle to keep her from slipping into her red zone.

It's one of those things that seemingly easy to mitigate issue is now the albatross around my neck. We've had an exchange in the main office that has caused me to shake and now my fight instinct comes out at the sight of her. I am having a difficult time wanting to interact with her and I just don't know how to let it go.

I think it might be time to learn how to work around this archetype.

Projects and Paninis

I think tonight will be my very first night of projects and paninis. I have some ideas and many yards of fabric that I'd like to make into something. And, I've been interfacing with some amazing bread that's just calling out for panini-ing.

Perhaps it could become a tradition, a social event, where projects are brought together, motivation shared, and panini creations are made and enjoyed by friends. Or maybe just by me. I think either would be good.

And another thing

Ever feel like the world is conspiring? Today is one of those days where I keep turning around and bumping into something. In all sorts of strange places. Boo.

At the Westchester County Fair

I mean the LA County Fair....

It was the annual trip to the fair. I love a field trip. But, I'm not so sure about this one.

High points:

• baby animals
• robotic dinosaurs so realistic it could elicit a flight instinct in a 2nd grader
• bark park with swimming dogs
  

Low points:

• the promise of a shark tank that was actually a poorly lit video, narrated by a kind of strange husband-wife team
  
• No snow expo
  
• 90 degree heat
• rides that we could not ride
• a zebra and an ostrich that were not find-able

Some good, some bad. Although I do love trip, maybe this one doesn't have enough goodness to make me excited when this comes up next year.

Ah, the humanity!

I'm still on my summer kick of reading library books in three sittings (although The Great Bridge will not succumb to my habit, I am sure). Tonight, I put in some q.t. with the book. Loved the book. Was excited to get to the end of the book.

Until I came to the last page, which was not actually the last page. Some bad person has removed the last page (or few pages) from my library book. Erased all trace of the author's carefully chosen words.

Who does that?!?

I was right at the edge of a happy ending.

How I love the First Day of School

My day was filled with little gems that can only happen on the first day of school.

*Conversation about the belly and nerve thing that happens on the first day of school.

*Pro/Con discussion on new shoes when you already have Spidey shoes.

*Compliments strongly requested on backpack coolness.

*Some on my feet distraction to get convince someone to go back into class.

*Band-aids applied to week old wounds as mental support.

*Huge smiles and hugs hello from students.

*A live long and prosper flashed.

I love this stuff.

Nightmares

Totally had school related nightmares last night. Too gross to discuss. Moon bounce related.

(I've always heard that teachers have these things right before school starts. It took year 6 for them to hit me.)