just say no

For those of you who are unfamiliar with my problem, I am a chronic over planner. Last weekend, I went to visit an aunt and had 5 things (reading, bills, knitting, letters, and something else) to do with me on the train ride. I need entertainment. I like to have contingency plans, should my first plan not strike my fancy. I do not need constant movement; I just like to know I have the opportunity.

My problem with over planning has a strange side-effect. I do not like to say no to anything. If it is suggested, is something I would do on my own, and involves someone I enjoy spending time with, I'm basically up for it. When I have to say no, I feel like I am letting people down. I feel like I'll miss fun.

I am trying to figure out when saying no is a good idea. I decided to take only one 5 hour train ride to visit someone this weekend instead of the two I had planned. I decided being on the school leadership team was probably not the smartest thing for me to do at this point. And, I try to leave my classroom within an hour of the students leaving every once in a while.

But, I cannot help but feel like I'm letting someone I care about down when I don't do something. There are only so many hours in the day for me to work with...I have to figure out when saying yes is just going to send me into overdrive and when saying no is going to provide me with some a little slice of mental health.

Some advice (life)

It has now been confirmed through experience that a person should never eat burritos (of the bean/ground turkey variety) and then rebound (jump on a trampoline) for an hour. It is not good.

it's cold...so, so, cold.

I think that I need some old-fashioned change in my life. I don't want to move or try out a new career (my typical approach to change). I desire a change of a different sort. I want additional something in my life. I think that it could be a winter-hibernation induced situation.

Over the past few weeks, a theme has entered my life. Several people have talked with me about their life. They discussed the things that they see as their problems. Then, they talked about how they could not see how they kept getting into the same situations time and time again. My advice has been to change the way they approach their life. I know that it is easy to say and hard to do. But, on a very deep level, I truly think that the only acceptable method for dealing with feelings of malcontent is to change yourself.

Because I have had too much time to think today, I am in the midst of a familiar "I need to change" feeling. Even in the anynomus blog forum, I am not feeling complete freedom to discuss the issue. I must not be ready for the change. Maybe I feel overwhelmed, like I've tried everything in the past and have not really been able to change things. But, I know that is not a true interpretation of the situation. Things have changed. I have changed. Some circumstances are familiar. Ironically, I worry that the problems are all rooted in fear. I guess now it's time to stop worrying and learn to love the bomb.

Teeth (life)

Recently, I accidently used my roommates toothbrush. We have the same brand...different colors. Mid-brush, I realized what had happened and I took her blue Wave toothbrush out of my mouth and swithced to my own green Wave. Tonight, I told her what happened as we got ready to go to our local dive bar for a quick drink. She said that she could taste my toothpaste on her toothbrush. I had to tell her that this toothbrush incident happened two days ago.

I didn't tell her right away because I knew that it was not really a big deal. A few weeks ago, she said I could have her other toothbrush because mine had fallen in the cavern between the tub and the sink and I did not have a replacement. I must not have listened to her describe the toothbrush I should use because she and I used the same toothbrush for at least 2 weeks. It was figured out when I walked around the livingroom brushing my teeth one day and she said something like, "Oh, you're using that toothbrush?"

Something has gotten into me (life)

In the past 24 hours, I have undergone a shift. Between watching Pride and Prejudice and having a visit from a neighbor, I have suddenly become caught up in it all. I hope that this stays with me. It's a nice change.

I need help! (life)

In the past 24 hours, in what I like to think is an uncharacheristic manner, I have become consumed by the prospect of purchase. I have made mental lists. I have discussed. And, I have weighed my options. I want to buy a computer and an iPod. Wait. That does not fully capture the situation I am in at this moment. I want to convert my world to Mac. A year ago, this was not the kind of person who could fully comprehend the power of that statement. Even now, I know only some of the goodness the world of Mac holds. But, I think it could be true love.

I want everything on the screen of my computer to bounce when you scroll. I want to use GarageBand to revolutionize my approach to early literacy instruction. I want to iLife my life. I want everything to sync. [And, I really want to be able to do work at work, college and home...hence the laptop.]

I am now in the situation of fully committing myself to a series of new iThings. But, I feel like I need to do some research that goes beyond my current level infatuation. Should I let this generation of Intel-insides get out of the way before I put money on the line? Should I buy an iBook first so my iPod doesn't think I am a music pirate, stealing music off of multiple computers? Should I get a whole lot of memory or just the normal package? What do I really need to do with the computer? And, am I really the kind of person who should have a laptop? I'm too absentminded to be considered gentle and I throw things without knowing it sometimes. Is the iBook's space-age construction a match for me?

I'm in desperate need of techy insight (but, please, only of the Mac variety).

Little Christmas (life)

I'm off to a gathering of 30+ relatives. It is little Christmas and I will be eating all of my favorite things to celebrate.

I love my life (life)

I was prepared to write a blog about all of the things that are wrong with teaching in NYC...I had a mental list, I had quotes, and I had indignation. Then, I took a walk and fell in love with my city and the pissy blog was taken over by the much more hopeful blog.

After I left school, I went into the city to meet a friend for dinner. Because she does not live in my 7-3 (or 4:45 today) world, there was some time between when I was ready and when she was ready. So, I got off at my favorite subway stop (the one at the bottom of Central Park) and walked down 9th Ave, from Columbus Circle (60th) to her house (in the 30s). The following sights made me have one of those moments where you feel lucky to be a part of a place:
*every tree on one street was completely covered in tiny white lights
*the windows of the Alvin Alley Dance Company's building allow you to watch dancers do amazing things
*two restaurants that had such amazing lighting and space design that I must go eat Thai and Chinese in each place very soon
*a coffee shop named The Coffee Pot (very good coffee, by the way)

Then, I remembered a student telling me that he wanted the fact that he read a book put "on his permanent record" today. And, I thought about the eraser I received as a gift from another student. And, the silly mood another one was in all day. And, I remembered, I do love my life. It is really so good.

The ultimate in lazy (life)

After I dropped my favorite VTer off at the train, I decided to take a little walk. Unfortunately, it had begun to rain. My old umbrella was home (and has a broken arm, so it flops around), so I decided to get a new one. Well, my new umbrella can open AND CLOSE with the push of a button. I feel as if I have entered a new level of lazy. I feel like I am just the porter for this object that has a level of independence not often found in inanimate objects. I don't know how I feel about this new situation.

Now, I am enjoying some quiet time. After a week of family and friends, though, I kind of miss having people I love around me. I had hours of conversation about life, laughed and was entertained by some very funny people, and enjoyed all the normal things you do when you are around the people who know you best.

I have learned some new things during my time in western VA:
*the spladle (sp?) is an unstoppable wrestling move
*I have a previously unknown talent for leg wrestling
*my friends and I have lost some ability too bounce back
*my lack of membership to eHarmony/match.com is now a reason for people to scold me
*the jokes that were funny in 2005 still seem to be working in 2006

I have to go now...I must do all of the things that were on my list for the week off. I only have a few hours left of vacation.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2006!!!! [Where is Baby New Year when you need him? It would make the blog so much better.]

Old world style (life)

I had an epiphany about last night. I was, and continue to be, surrounded by old world style men in my current life. I listened to a man tell tales about the Soviet army (a father of a friend) to a younger man who once said, "I understand the pregnant part...but, why barefoot?" (a friend who is an English language learner and doesn't understand some idioms). They are both wonderful. I have been a recipient of kindness from both of them. I actively solicit my friend's interaction in my life. But, I think it's messing me up. I think that I may be buying into some crazy gender roles a little too much.

Where is the me of years ago? Have I let go of the Ani DiFranco listening, argumentative, do something for the sake of doing it me? Have I become the first grade teacher archetype?

I know that it's not that easy. My days of feminist chapstick are gone. But, there are ideals that I hold central to my self. Part of me feels as if I have let some things slip too far away. I need to be the punk-rock teacher...well, really I just need to not care too much of what other want/expect and do what I think is right. That's the liberation of it all....

I'm off to WV (it's really the western part of VA--my mistake) for new years. DC folks are getting together and I will be happy, in the happy johnny sense of it all.

much love.

Transit strike info and putty (life)

I was going to regale you with stories of the flushed candy cane...but, instead, I've decided to share some very good reading.

Number One: The most honest view of the transit strike I know of (to date)

Number Two: A photo of the most silly putty I've ever seen in one place (also, to date).

I do believe that I'm in a mood. I think it has something to do with hearing Russian all night.

I'm home (life)

I've finally made my way back to my apartment. It is quieter (and a little more messy) than I remembered. I am going to a friend's for dinner tonight. But, I have a few hours to collect myself before I have to run out of the door again.

Really, I just want to knit some scarves and make thank you cards with all of my new stuff. But, I'll go and it will be fun. Besides, I didn't return my netflix and am currently rewatching Murderball. The evening at home would probably get boring pretty quickly.

If nothing good happens tonight, I’ll tell you about the candy cane in the toilet in tomorrow’s blog…it’s a definite crowd pleaser.

merry christmas

merry christmas to all i love. i wish you all peace and joy.

Mac and Cheese or the night that never ended (teaching)

The transit strike has had some strange impacts on my life. I have invited strangers to stay in my home and borrow my car. I have been asked if I'm dating a male coworker because he drove me to and from work. I have taught for approximately 5 hours in 3 days and slept to 7 for the first time in a long time.

Today, I walked to school. It was not bad. It took exactly 40 minutes. I was asked if I wanted a ride by 3 cars...they all needed one more person to get to the 4 person minimum for crossing bridges. [I really had it easy. Some people had such crazy walks. Others have been separated from families for days. But, now everything is back to normal.] After school, my roommate picked me up and we went shopping. It was probably not the smartest thing for me to involve anyone else in my shopping; it is a high stress experience and no one really needs to be exposed to that on their free time.

While at the stores, I remembered that I needed to make food for my students' party tomorrow. I could not figure out what it was that 6 year olds eat. So, I have attempted to make my mom's macaroni and cheese. It's not Kraft. I'm not sure if I put in enough cheese/milk/flour/butter for the 2 lbs. of noodles. I don't think anyone will eat it at the party. But, it's made and waiting to be placed in my car and brought to school for the normal school opening time.

Tonight, it was as if events were getting in the way of me actually stopping the day. I'm going to have to wake up very soon. My dreams may be about macaroni...which will be much better than the Greek infused dreams of late.

Asian Bird Flu (teaching)

Today, I drove to work because of the transit strike. It was no big deal for me (I am pretty sure that I am of the few who can say this statement). I was going to walk the 2 miles. But, because it was 20 degrees and I was running unbelievably late, I decided to drive. So, I drove. I ended up walking to the entrance of my school from a different street than normal. It was at that point where I saw one of the men from my building, standing behind a locked gate, holding a chicken. It was early. I had not had much coffee. I said, "Nice chicken" and kept walking. When I was just about to turn to the other block, I realized what I had seen and turned back to reconfirm that I had, in fact, just seen a man with a chicken in the middle of the NYC.

If I had not turned around, I would not be in my current predicament. He was trying to hop the fence with the chicken in his hand. Of course he could not do it. So, without much though, I turned around asked if he needed help and then TOOK THE CHICKEN. He was up and over the fence in practically no time and I was on my way. When I came into the school, I was going to launch into my funny chicken story when I realized everyone was agitated. They told me about the chicken I already knew about as soon as I stepped in the door. Then, they proceeded to tell me that the guy was going to be in trouble [we work in an elementary school so we talk like elementary students], that animal control said don't touch it, and then I kind of freaked out. I felt like I was going to get some nasty chicken disease. My logical self says that there is nothing to fear--the chicken looked fine.

When I told my roommate that the chicken looked fine, she asked if it had any symptoms. I said it had body aches. She asked if it had a stuffy beak.

gifts (life)

I have just spent one hour trying to look for Christmas gifts on Amazon.com. I am of the generation that should be able to do everything from my computer. I pay my bills, talk to my friends, and stay current on the events of the world with the help of my keyboard. I can't remember the last time I talked to an actual person to buy airline tickets. But, I cannot bring myself to do my gift shopping online. I don't know what it is that stops me. Theoretically, it fits my busy life style and my difficult life style. Maybe it is because it is too impersonal. Maybe it is because I have not found the perfect shopping site. Now, I have a few days to actually find my sister's/mother's/father's/brother's/grandmothers'/friends' gifts...without being aided by technology.

one more thing...(teaching)

The official blog of Google said that "Hugging for 20 seconds has been shown to reduce blood pressure." On Friday, I know that I hugged each of my first graders once after lunch (they were well behaved and I was very proud of them) and received a mountain of random hugs from some of the little guys who are the inspiration for a daily hug limit. Perhaps my need for 15 hours of sleep one night a weekend is not due to exhaustion. Rather, it's because I've had so many hugs that my blood pressure is almost nonexistent.

can you play hockey? (life)

This morning, I woke up and watched a hockey movie. By 9:00 a.m., I was caught up in the whatever it is of victory and the agony of defeat. I have an unexpected reaction to sports related movies. When I have the chance to watch the movie where everyone plays hockey in Alaska, the one about the Jamaican bobsled team, or Wildcats (my favorite), I take it and then I remember that I love sports.

Because I do not like to watch games on TV and do not follow sports, I sometimes forget that I actually love a lot about sports. I have vivid memories of going to see the Islanders play when I was little, the Mets play with friends who are major fans, and a local Australian Rules Rugby team play when I lived in New Zealand. I cannot separate the game from all of the symbolic stuff--the dedication, the focus, the athleticism. In fact, I often think about the symbolic stuff when the game part gets boring.

Just like my interest in running and football peaked after I saw Wildcats, my dedication to swimming came out of no where for 2 weeks after some Summer Olympics, my new found interest in hockey may leave me at some point. But, for now, I'm very interested in trying to figure out if I could get a puck down the ice...well, first I'd try to skate without a hockey stick, to see if I hurt myself, then I'd try again with the extra equipment.

I am now 5/8 of a Master

As of 7 p.m. tonight, I completed my last class for the semester. To celebrate, I wore a tie with my tanktop/sweater combination, stole Wilma Rudolph’s basketball, and felt a huge sense of relief to come home and know that I do not have to write another paper for more than a month. The winter break is an amazing time for me...I will get to focus on teaching and myself for many days in a row. I will eat food that is not dispensed from a coil in a vending machine, I will see the inside of my gym, and I will not have to write a paper about why everything I learned in my Applied Behavior Analysis/Science Teaching Methods/Social Studies Teaching Methods class will completely revolutionize my approach to teaching (which is usually a bit of a stretch). I am happy.

Don't get me wrong, I love school. I enjoy learning. I am usually inspired by the conversation with the other students. Listening to someone talk about what they are passionate about is one of my favorite things. But, I'm a little tired. By January, I am sure I'll enjoy it all again.

But, for now, I am going to read the 6th Harry Potter book and not feel guilt.

[Random aside: As I was driving to school, I drove under a plane that was landing--the road goes right under the flyway for the approach to a big airport. I love when I drive under planes that are landing.]