the events of the day...well, select events, anyway (life/teaching)

While being far from the best day, it was not the worst. The following random collection of things helped keep the dreary at bay.

* I thought that a man in the deli was crazy; he kept repeating strange, disconnected phrases and was crouched down by the dorittos for a long time. Turns out he had a bluetooth phone thing attached to his head. I used to answer people who were talking on handsfree. Now, probably due to the urban environment surrounding me, I just think they are crazy.
* I sat next to a friend during a professional development thing and learned an interesting little fact. Turns out Boston once experienced a molasses disaster. In 1919, some type of tank exploded and molasses moved through the city at a speed of 35 mph. It was actually a very serious thing. But, the image of a wave of molasses taking over the city is just a little funny.
* My little sister is continuing her role as most technically advanced of us all. She is my family's early adopter. And, she got a 4 on her state math test. She is very excited.

Some bad news for me...it turns out it might not be best to deliberate over decisions. Now, how am I going to justify my extensive mulling over process to others?

Coffee, coffee, coffee (life)

I don't know if it was because of the weekend events or the coffee/baked goods/grapes combo I've consumed today....but, I am in a bit of a state of flutter. I have been the poster child for unsuccessful multitaskers for most of the afternoon. Since I came back from visiting good friends in New England, I have worked with two computers simultaneously, have begun approximately 750 sentences which will never know their end, and have only done one of the things I've deemed absolutely critical for the day.

Now, I'm blogging to help me prepare my being for some good old fashioned hard work. [Really, we all know blogging is procrastination. But, I am going to assume that those of you who read this blog are well versed in the art of procrastination and I need not justify myself for that here.]

The weekend was filled with friends who are forming families. Babies are being born, children are growing, and people are settling. I feel as if my lifestyle is unique amongst some friends. My friends who are mothers get to enjoy the prospect of traveling for a month, eating out at new restaurants, and my less-than-slick approach to men through my stories. I get to enjoy the baby love, hearing of the humor that only children can bring, and the beauty of forming a family through theirs. They don't have to feel the anxiety of uncertainty and lack of connection. I don't have to feel the depth of panic that comes from not knowing if you are doing all you need to do to keep another person and family thriving.

Through the differences, we are all still able to truly enjoy one another. Some of these friends have been mine for twelve years. They have insight into who I am because they know who I was, the steps I have taken, and how my dreams have changed. These women and men bring such sincerity and love to my life. I am lucky to have them all.

In reference to the previous post (life)

Don't you think that these guys need to live in a place that lets them
discover that they are champion tree jumpers?

By the way, I have just learned of the beauty that is wireless internet access. I am on my balcony, updating my blog/putting CDs into iTunes/doing reading for class. I love the slash nature of this moment.

blood sugar (life)

I spent the day dedicated to learning if my body is or is not processing its sugars well. As a result, I am light headed and woozy. My response to this feeling has been to eat bean burritos, tomato soup, and drink coffee. That is basically my response to most things in life; it works too well too often for me to give the approach up to other methods.

Last night, finding myself in the middle of Manhattan with nothing on my list to do and temperatures which had pushed past freezing, I decided to walk the thirty or so blocks to the subway stop by Central Park. The walk/ride home had good imagery (a person carrying a huge bag on their head, people discussing ranching as they zoomed past the skyline, jumpy tourist with looks of mistrust being replaced with looks of gratitude as I directed them to Times Square, and buildings that looked different because of the clouds in the sky). But, it was filled with thoughts of place.

I think that I am on a permanent search for my physical and existential place in this life. Recently, I have become fixated on the idea of finding a physical community which allows you to maximize your life. If you find peace in mountains, live in Bozeman. If you cannot live without politeness, perhaps Wichita is for you. What does this all mean for me? I feel the most when I am with the people I care about [those people cover all the major geographic regions of the country] and know that it is best for me to be outside as much as I can [the closest I come to religious experience is always during something found outside]. More and more I have the feeling of floating, not connecting to my current place.

All this being said, I also know that I have a strong sense of flight. I do not wish to confront situations. I would much rather run away. Maybe all of these daydreams of place are all about feeling unsettled in my life and wishing to change everything rather than trying to figure out how I can make things work here....

the need for a geek (life)

I'm having small technical difficulties and I am in need of someone
who speaks computer. My own vocabulary is somewhat limited...growing
in many ways, but limited none the less. I am caught up in the wish of
knowing more. But, it's kind of like French; I want to be fluent but I
don't want to put in the work.

One more thing (completely unrelated to the last). At the end of the
day, one of my more huggie students and I were waiting for his mother
to come and he told me his technique for writing things correctly.
[These are as close to his words as I can get them.]
"I use my brain. I don't think. I use my brain. I ask a question and a
little guy runs around and sends me the answer. He lives in my brain."
I then told him of the little girl that used to live in my brain. She
had a typewriter and an extensive filing system. When I had a
question, she would type the answer and send it out on my tongue. Unfortunatly, this technique no longer works for me. If it did, she would totally be hooking me up with my technical issue.

Instead of taking a quiz, a person could....(life)

I have a quiz due tomorrow. It's several pages and I have yet to look at the paper. But, I have done some things that have made me a better person. I have talked about the functioning of the amygdala, which until today I had never heard of and now love (all thanks to my amygdala, by the way), compared and contrasted the top 100 places for commuting time/best educated/most racially diverse/largest percentage of males, learned about a local imam, and made some jambalaya like stuff. I've also decided that the blog needs an update.

I am far from motivated in my academic life this semester. I have three semesters left and I am ready to be done. But...I have three semesters left and I need to keep up apperances.

Oh, I'm in such need of distraction.

Sunday (life)

I had a bit of a perfect Sunday today. I did many of my favorite things and discovered a new level of love for the iPod. But, I'm getting ahead of myself.

For the past few weeks, the northeast has been trying it's hardest to live up to the whole winter thing. I have been cold inside and cold outside for many days. The frigid wind, ice storms, and snow all caused me to drive my car short distances, hibernate inside, and question my sanity when I actually left my apartment. This weekend, it was different. With only three layers (and without my usual hat/scarf/mitten combo), I became reacquainted with my neighborhood and remembered that I love to walk. I walked to the store, to meet a friend for brunch, and just be out and about. And, when I was by myself, I put in my earbuds and walked to my own personal soundtrack. All of the white noise and aggression of my city became distant, allowing me to become an observer of things and people rather than actively inconvenienced by others. The iPod is making me love my city again. It's as good as the time I figured out that I could use power tools for my sculpture class if I put on protective earware; loud noise scares me.

After some cafe con leche and Mister Fabulous (fruit and granola) from my favorite restaurant, I headed to my family's house for family time. We ate a big meal, we argued, we shared small space, and we gave a 5 person running commentary on the Oscars. It was perfect.

Over focused on empty dilemmas (teaching)

I have spent much of the past week thinking about having my own classroom and wondering how I am going to manage to survive a semester filled with 7-9 Tuesdays. I have also faced a child who was forgotten by her mother for many hours, a system that seems not to value the my role as a teacher of children who have different needs, and my own lack of knowledge of how to address students' needs appropriately. Is the overwhelming job at hand causing me to get caught up in the thoughts that don't really matter? The other things are just too hard.

mentors (teaching)

For the past year and a half, I have had a university provided mentor to help me become a better teacher. She is old-school; she was a principal of another school for many years and that fact oozes from her being. She has high expectations, amazing ideas, and a no-nonsense attitude that doesn't stop. She is also well versed in the back-handed compliment. In the past, when she has said something good about my teaching, it usually also includes the words "anal retentive" or "much better than last year." Today, she actually told me that I am a good teacher. While I still disagree, it was so nice to get that feedback from someone who has probably caused more teachers to cry than anyone else I know.

One of my mentor's official capacities is to meet with my principal to discuss the state of affairs in my classroom. In the past, my mentor has accused my principal of being out of compliance with federal mandates, has demanded to know who my vice principal was, and has caused me to have to put out several fires after she leaves. This time, I think that it is possible they had a good conversation. I'm anxious for my principal to have a good sense of how I am doing in the classroom right now. She is engaged in her reorganization for next year and I am very interested in being in my own classroom. For the past two years, I have co-taught with two different general education teachers. The woman I work with this year has taught me many things that I should be doing. The woman I worked with last year showed me that good intentions mean nothing in a classroom if they are not linked to much, much more. I would like to have the opportunity to see if I can manage things on my own, to truly take the responsibility for what happens in my classroom.

Ok, enough of this...I'm being distracted by what I think is the worlds darkest credit card commercial on my nightly news podcast. I have to go focus on that right now.

only in NY (life)

In my desperate effort to hold on to this whole vacation way of life,
I went out tonight. Normally, doing things on a school night is not
even a consideration. It makes me tired and cranky, then I'm not as
nice as I think I should be the next day and I feel horrid. But, I've
been on vacation long enough to forget that vicious cycle. And, there
was a documentary on the Dean campaign at a local cinema/bar. So, I
put on 48 layers and braved the very cold wind to see what that was
all about.

Well, the documentary was all about the volunteers, the grassroots
effort, the idealism.
After the film was shown, the organizers said we had a few minutes for
questions and answers before the next group had to use the space. As
the director spoke, my attention was drawn to the stream of women kept
going behind a curtain on the side of the stage. Turns out that the
group replacing the aging hippies, old school lefties, and young
idealist was a burlesque show. I felt like I was in a set up for one
of those jokes about a politician and a stripper in a bar. It was
great.

dreaming of iPods (life)

One more thing. Last night, I had a dream about my iPod. While I was out last night, I became overly animated with my discription of how the world wide web is an actual web. This week, I decided that my thesis topic is going to be something about technology and education. And, I'm very upset that my new issue of Wired has not come to my house. When did this happen?

Change (life)

I finished Everything is Illuminated, by Jonathan Safran Foer this morning. His words made me question the change I have had in my life (which may or may not have been one of his intentions when he set out to become a writer; but, that's a topic for another blog).

My change of choice is ususally location. I move. I have reguarly moved to new neighboroods, cities and states. I think about moving every time something makes me feel like things are just not right. It's like my hobby-the search for a personal utopia.

In my quest for the perfect place, it is possible that I may have missed the other types of change I should be making. Maybe I missed the opportunity for change offered by others. Maybe I missed the change of complete recreation.

But, maybe my comfort with my own charachter flaws and lack of awarness of doing what others want me to do makes all of that type of change not my kind of change.

Gilmore Boys (life)

At this moment, my roommate is talking with my brother to get an update on the current season of the Gilmore Girls. Well, she is actually talking to most of my family trying to get an update on the story. But, I'm getting ahead of myself.

Yesterday, due to mitigating circumstances, I was forced to stay inside all day. My sisters had just spent a few days with me (they are dedicated GG's viewers) and they lent me their season 5 box set. So, my roommate and I watched 17 episodes yesterday and finished them up today. [I felt kind of nasty because of watching so much TV...but, that's the price you pay for quality Gilmore Girls/staying within a small radius of the house]. Of course, the season ended with a cliffhanger.

As soon as it was over, I was faced with a somewhat forceful demand to call my family. She called and my brother answered the phone. Both sisters are out (not watching TV, I assume) and my roommate proceeded to ask my brother all of the questions she had about what was going on with the Gilmore Girls. With a little bit of help, my 25-year-old brother was able to answer all of her questions. This was all hysterical to me. Somehow, we got to have a bonus discussion of my brother phase of running outside to pee when he was little. Pure comedy, man.

The whole situation also made me re-realize something about my brother. As a result of having 3 sisters, my brother has unusual skills; he can braid hair, he knows how to defer to sisters for major dressing events, and, unknown to me, he has a working knowledge of the Gilmore Girls major plot lines.

Embarrassed by the multiple hours of viewing, my roommate told my brother that the only my family could know what we had done in the past two days...however, this is not really a good deal knowing that my family consists of 52 people, all of who like to bring things up.

Up too late...(life)

Typically, I am a champion sleeper. Well, in the past, I have been a champion sleeper. I have a true appreciation for all the goodness eight hours of sleep can bring to a person's life. I love the feeling you get when you wake up after you hit the sweet spot in your sleep cycle. But, all of this has changed in recent years.

During my first year of teaching, for reasons I don't want to admit to here, I had to give up sleep. Well, I would give up sleep for a while and then sometimes go to bed by 8:45 due to exhaustion. I created these situations where waking up at 4:00 a.m. was the only way to do everything I had to do more times than I care to remember. Now, in the second year of my lifestyle change, it is the late nights I get to see regularly. I'm regularly amazed that I am awake at such-and-such and hour.

At this moment, it is almost last year's wake up time and I am not sleeping. I should be having dreams I will not remember or doing some fancy sleep dance. But, I'm awake...updating my iPod. So, I guess all is not lost.

Am I allergic to life? (life/teaching)

Again, I have been faced with my own medical version of a mash-up. While not nearly as entertaining as a musical mash-up, my own version has given me reason to stop and listen. Unfortunately, the listening has been more internalized...along the line of "Why do I keep getting so sick that I need to sleep for 24 hours straight?" and, "Is my lifestyle making me sick or is my sick making my lifestyle?"

I'm sure I'll find the answer soon.

On a happier note, taking to my bed has given me the time to get to know my iBook a little better. I have created a slide presentation of my students' celebration of Chinese New Year, enjoyed the beauty of watching a DVD from the comfort of my bed, and I have come across some others who think that mac-ing up the literacy experience is the way to go. As a good friend of mine has recently said, "Hey, that was my idea!"...but, I just thought about it; they did something. I plan on using their inspiration and my new iPod to get on that bandwagon and clarify pronoun usage and develop fluency while reading with my students.

Me as a student (life/teaching)

Tonight, my professor helped everyone in the class understand the fact that some students have need for distraction by putting my notebook up on the overhead projector. My lines of hearts and squiggles were his example of how someone with ADD can focus better when they have something occupying their energy. I thanked him for his diagnosis and then hid my head in shame.

I hate NY

I had made plans to completely enjoy myself and my city today. I was
going to go to a dance workshop, meet a friend for shopping in Union
Square, and then head off to EMS to learn to use a compass
effectively. Besides the slight panic I caused for myself by accidentally staying at my parents last night,
coming back home too late, and being an hour late, I had a great
morning. I moved my body around in a class taught by professional
dancers. [They were amazing, by the way.] Then, I had vegan tomato soup
and hummus for lunch with a friend.

So what, you might ask, makes me hate NY? Well, I was so excited to
EMS-up my skills so I would not always have to be prep chef to
other people's head chef when I am in the wilderness. Then, the punky
guy assumed that I was one of those people who only existed where
there are subway lines. In response to his words, I flashed my
outdoor-cred in a desperate way; I talked about my time above the
treeline in Denali. As soon as it was out of my mouth, I felt cheep. I ran out of the store cranky.

It did not help that the promised blizzard of 2006 was only chunky
rain while I was out. I was hoping for one of those snow covered moments
that I love so much to change my view on the world.

Now, I'm stuck inside, dwelling on the fact that my membership to the
"I love camping" club makes me a minority in the land where everyone
else seems to be a part of a group. Ah, New York.

I'm over it

So, I'm over my self. It might have had something to do with the fact that I engaged in many hours of writing with my students today. I found myself sticking out my tongue so you could see the "th" fly, blending and stretching like it was my job (which it is, by the way) and saying, "is that what you are trying to say?" over and over again. When you are six (and five and seven and twenty-nine), writing is a physical process. You break pencils because you are pressing down so hard. You spit because you are sounding something out. You use both hands almost all of the time. And, you fidget....you fidget a lot. I think one of my students walked a mile per page. Most of that mile was in the three square feet around his desk. My over developed sense of empathy makes their writing process almost as grueling for me as it is for them. I literally feel as if I have run many miles or talked for too long today. But, it was worth it; my students can do so much more now than they could do last year. I am about to take some time to examine their writing, use all of my training in literacy development, and figure out the next thing to do to teach them the next step.

The other thing that is making me happy is the fact that I have 24 sets of chopsticks in my purse right now. Tomorrow we are concluding our unofficial unit on Chinese Culture and we are celebrating by going to see Chinese folk dancers preform and eating bamboo with chopsticks. I'm very excited.

Overly Pessimistic View on the World

Setting: I have just returned home from my official approach to Tuesday. I left for school (of the elementary variety) at 7, taught for my new school day (8:10-2:25 for all of the students and then small group writing instruction from 2:25 to 3:07.5) and then left my P.S. for school (of the university variety). I had two classes (4:30-9) and am now examining the themes of the day.

Today, I have been faced with some of the aspects of my world that I try not to look at that often; those parts of every life that make less sense than you would like. I have a true sense of frustration with the education system I am a part of on a daily basis. Perhaps attending a meeting with my local union representative, being faced with the fact that my students, their families, and the teachers around me are not will supported by the powers that be, and that the overwhelming reality for everyone engaged in the educational system is misguided. Everything I talked about in both classes focused on the fact that there are historical injustices dictating what happens each day in my classroom. The people around me wondered in the extra time in school was going to help the students learn more than they had been learning when the day was dedicated to whole group instruction.

I don't really feel like I'm capturing my thoughts. I'm complaining. Who wants to read my complaints? I don't even want to read my complaints. I just feel like the system I am a part of might make it impossible for me to reach my potential as a teacher. But, I'm not sure if my typical geographic solution to a problem is a smart approach or running from the inevitable. I don't want to burn out, be part of the 50% of teachers that do not make it to their fifth year. I love teaching. I love the time I get to spend with my students and watching them learn is amazing. I guess I'm just going to have to start ignoring things, find a sense of humor about things and/or sleep more.

dance bulgarian (life/teaching)

Who knew that dancing Bulgarian style would be the perfect response to
unreasonable situations in a school? If the people you work with
respond poorly to situations where children are being set up for
failure, please find your local Bulgarian Social Club and dance the
night away.