blood sugar (life)

I spent the day dedicated to learning if my body is or is not processing its sugars well. As a result, I am light headed and woozy. My response to this feeling has been to eat bean burritos, tomato soup, and drink coffee. That is basically my response to most things in life; it works too well too often for me to give the approach up to other methods.

Last night, finding myself in the middle of Manhattan with nothing on my list to do and temperatures which had pushed past freezing, I decided to walk the thirty or so blocks to the subway stop by Central Park. The walk/ride home had good imagery (a person carrying a huge bag on their head, people discussing ranching as they zoomed past the skyline, jumpy tourist with looks of mistrust being replaced with looks of gratitude as I directed them to Times Square, and buildings that looked different because of the clouds in the sky). But, it was filled with thoughts of place.

I think that I am on a permanent search for my physical and existential place in this life. Recently, I have become fixated on the idea of finding a physical community which allows you to maximize your life. If you find peace in mountains, live in Bozeman. If you cannot live without politeness, perhaps Wichita is for you. What does this all mean for me? I feel the most when I am with the people I care about [those people cover all the major geographic regions of the country] and know that it is best for me to be outside as much as I can [the closest I come to religious experience is always during something found outside]. More and more I have the feeling of floating, not connecting to my current place.

All this being said, I also know that I have a strong sense of flight. I do not wish to confront situations. I would much rather run away. Maybe all of these daydreams of place are all about feeling unsettled in my life and wishing to change everything rather than trying to figure out how I can make things work here....