six-eighths of the way done (teaching)

I finished the last class of my semester at nine o'clock tonight. I am 6/8 of the way done. I sat through a class where the teacher wrote notes on the board and then made us watch a documentary on the changing face of education. Then, I moved to another class where I realized my whole thought process is lacking when it comes to students with severe disabilities. I discussed my upcoming thesis with my fellow students (all of whom felt that it was nothing that will be academically rigorous) and made my way off campus.

The whole way home, I wondered if I have been taking the easy way out. I complain about school. But, that's more due to the physical pain rather than the intellectual challenges. I learn about a lot of things I know already. And, I hardly ever do my reading. What if I am denying myself an education?

I know that I sometimes devalue my own intellectual capacity. Because something comes easy to me, I say it was easy rather than the ease being due to my ability. I underestimate the amount of time I put into things. Even as I say this, I am nagged by the feeling that I could do more. I don't know if I have ever had to truly support an argument. I don't even feel as if I have had to form an argument. I can just spout stuff and I get a degree.

The idea of placing myself in a situation where the pursuit was intellectual, where I was forced to create and defend opinions, where I had to further thinking is so attractive to me. I wonder if I will be able to create this for myself.